


The Road Back to Us.

by voldobaby



Category: Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Angst and Humor, Dhampirs, Drunkenness, F/M, Humour, Jealousy, Love, Love/Hate, Romance, True Love, moroi, relationships, romitri, spirit bound, va
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-21 06:43:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1541405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voldobaby/pseuds/voldobaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So let's pretend that the end of Spirit Bound didn't happen, no dead queen, Rose isn't framed for murder and thus Last Sacrifice's antics haven't happened. Dimitri has told Rose he wants to pretend she doesn't exist, love has faded, move on. So months later when her relationship with Adrian is on the rocks and she has a day off, Rose wants to be reckless. She wanders into a club...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reckless.

The bartender made a face that plainly said he hadn’t heard me. I could have a super megaphone and I’d be damn sure he still wouldn’t be able to hear me despite being thirty centimetres away. I leaned further over the bar and tried again, employing hand gestures to help commination. He leaned back nodding, dropping his gaze to check out my cleavage as he did so. Any other night something like that would have repercussions, say dragging him across the bar and smashing a glass over his head, but tonight was different. I was feeling a different kind of reckless. 

I turned slightly and saw the dance floor had accumulated even more bodies, a lot more hot bodies with pretty faces to go with them.   
The strobe lights were in sync with the beat of the music, making the air buzz with palpable electricity that was coaxing me to start moving my body. It was definitely the place to be if you didn’t want to think or be responsible and I was adamantly not going to do either. Just the thought was thrilling as my job required I be both constantly but tonight was my first night off in five months. 

Not that guarding my bestfriend from our immortal enemies was something I considered a job, more of a duty really, but a girl needs a break once in a while. Especially as that said girl ran around fucking Siberia to kill the undead love her life only to fail, then succeed in finding a way to bring him back from the undead, only to be rejected by him and told he wanted to pretend she didn’t exist. Then that said girl would have to work alongside him as he vowed to protect her bestfriend also. That said girl also may or may not have broke up with her boyfriend a few hours ago when she found him passed out drunk when they had plans for her night off…  
That said girl was going to now get drunk herself and at least grind against someone who appreciated her.

The bartender came back and set down two shot glasses and a glass of something dark I suspected was coke that was disguising liquor. It wasn’t what I’d ordered. 

Fuck it.

I handed him over a ten dollar bill and took the shots he’d poured. The first burned the whole way down my throat and into my stomach and I quickly took the second which was milder by comparison and tasted chocolaty. My eyes were watering and I looked up to the see the bartender smiling amusedly as he passed over my change, all two dollars of it. He cocked his head to the side and then lifted up a bottle and poured another shot.

“You look like you need it!” I think is what he shouted.

It had been drilled into me for over year to start being more cautious, to think first instead of act, so I hesitated looking down at the temptation compacted into a shot glass.  
It was only one night… and Lissa was safe with Eddie and Alberta… I was pretty sure there were no Moroi or anyone from her college in this club that could cause my actions to reflect badly on her. The only person I was in danger of embarrassing was me…and it took a lot to embarrass Rose Hathaway.

“Bottoms up!” I mutter. The words were quickly eaten up by the music. I threw the shot back, pleased it was the sweeter chocolate one and even more pleased when I felt the warm trickle of alcohol start to spread through my limbs.

I grinned over the bar at the guy and he winked.   
*  
After the third shot drinking what turned out to be vodka and coke was surprisingly easy, like drinking water. Although drinking vodka in America was always going to be easy after experiencing what they drink in Russia, that shit was insane. 

Alcohol was alight in my veins and was begging to flirt with the music. I tossed my dark waves over one shoulder and walked towards the dance floor, feeling sultry and mysterious. Not a single person here knew me or had expectations of me. I could be anybody I wanted to. I found a spot on the dance floor, a gap big enough between all the bodies to sway my hips and roll my shoulders back as a new song started and the lights blazed as the bass dropped.   
It was easy to get lost and it wasn’t long until someone wanted to get lost with me.

A body pressed up against my back, a cheek grazing mine as someone got their body into rhythm with mine. I turned and was pleased to find my new dancing partner was a cute blonde, tall and was tan as far as I could tell.

Definitely human. 

I grinned up at him as the thought of being normal and an enigma for tonight burned bright in my mind. The guys eyes was full of admiration and behind that there were burning embers of lust, it made me feel amazing and not even the slightest bit guilty about Adrian. I was still pissed with him and I was not going to waste tonight feeling angry or doing the mature thing by going to find him to talk.   
The guy grinned down at me, his hand sliding over my hips. We started moving. 

*

I’m not sure for how long we danced for but when blondie made a gesture for another drink I nodded and let him lead me out of the crowd by my hand. It turned out he unlike me (and everybody else) hadn’t come to party on his lonesome. He had a crowd of about eight other people, five guys and three girls who had a table in the next connected room of the club. This room’s music was half as loud as the lasts so it allowed for conversation to actually happen.   
“Guys this is Rose!” He said sitting down. I couldn’t remember his name… I think it was Matt. 

The guys at the table were all pretty friendly, the girls…not so much. Some frosty smiles greeted me but I didn’t care, I smiled back and sat down on Matt’s lap, as it was obviously the only place for me to go, and took a sip of the drink I’d been bought.

I hoped we weren’t staying here long. I just wanted to dance and there was zero dancing going on in this room, it was more of a chilled out bar area. Also one of the blonde girls was glaring at the hand Matt had placed just above my knee. 

“You’re vibrating.” Matt said into my ear.

“Odd compliment but alright.” 

He laughed and nodded toward my purse in my lap. On queue it started shivering next to his hand. I handed him my drink and pulled out the little silver cell phone.   
Guardian perk. Lissa’s name flashed on the screen and I hesitated before pressing the answer button. 

“Hola!”

“Rose!”

“This is she.”

“Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Not completely sure on the first one and yes I’m spectacular thank you. How was the birthday dinner?” I managed to keep my voice from descending into ice toward the end. One point to Rose!

“The dinner was fine, lovely actually, until Adrian called me asking me where you were. I thought you two were spending tonight together? That’s why you couldn’t come.”  
Folding socks would come before attending that dinner. 

“What? I can’t really hear you, where are you?”

Oh crap I’d said it out loud.

“Me and Adrian are having a competition of who can ignore the other one the longest for being a dick. So far I’m winning.” I took my drink from Matt with my free hand and he curled his arm around my waist as he talked about soccer or Socrates with his friend. 

“I had a feeling you two had fought…” Lissa said sounding worried, the bond had been numbed due to the alcohol in my system so there was no way of telling for sure what she was thinking or feeling, another normal factor of tonight. “What happened?”

“He got so drunk he passed out which left me sitting in the most uncomfortable silence with his parents for half an hour whilst we waited for him.”

“Oh dear…”

“Oh it gets better. Tatiana decided to swing by and tell me how awful I was for her nephew but she did say she was impressed by the way I handled the Strigoi that got close to campus, but that didn’t excuse the fact that I’m just a phase in Adrian’s life until his sexual appetite is satisfied.” 

I took a steadying breath as anger flared in my stomach and threated to ignite my entire body. I took another sip hoping it would douse the flames. 

 

“I’m sure she didn’t say it like that…”

“Oh she said it as queenly as possible Lissa but the subtitles read in plain English ‘YOU ARE A WHORE’.”

Lissa was quiet on the other end in reaction to my outburst. Matt was giving me a strange look and behind him his friends were exchanging glances.  
Fuck.

I gave him what I hoped was a sweet smile and kissed his cheek. He smirked obviously pleased and the arm around my waist tightened. 

“Rose are you listening?” Lissa demanded in my ear. 

“Mhm?” 

“Where are you?”

“I told you, I’m not sure.”

“What does that mean?” She sounded distressed. She needed to chill out and have some of that camomile tea she loved…

“I just didn’t really pay attention to the name of the place, two secs.” I asked Matt where we were and relayed it to Lissa.

“You’re at a club by yourself?” 

“Don’t worry, there’s nobody here who recognises me Liss. I’m not gonna embarrass you or do anything that endangers my guardianship.” I lowered my voice as much as I could and turned my head away from Matt as I gave up being an enigma for a second. 

“That’s not what I’m worried about! You shouldn’t be by yourself at a club… how did you even get in?”

“My brilliant charm and good looks obviously.”

“You should come home.” She said firmly. She’d always been the level headed and sensible one out of this duo and the tone of her voice sounded rather motherly or as motherly as I could imagine seeing I didn’t know firsthand. Warm, concerned and caring. 

“Noooo” I whined, “It’s my night off and it isn’t late, it can’t even be eleven yet and that’s so early for us.”

“Rose you sound drunk and you’re alone. What if something happens? Please come home.”

I didn’t even bother arguing with the first point. “I’m not alone. I’m with Matt.”

“Who’s Matt?” Lissa demanded.

“It’s Max.” Matt said taking a break from nuzzling my shoulder. It tickled. 

“What is?” I asked him.

He blinked, “I am!”

“Oh” and I started laughing. “I’m with Max, not Matt, although Matt sounds cuter. Don’t you think so Liss?”

“What about Adrian?” Lissa said and it was like cold water over my head. I could hear someone in the background of her end that I suspected was Christian. 

“I am ignoring him.” I sang back. 

She was quiet for a beat and I took another sip of my drink. It was nearly empty and I frowned.

“You aren’t going to cheat on him are you?” Her voice was hushed like she was breathing into the phone.

“Of course not! I’m just not being nice to him right now is all. Besides, can’t cheat on someone if you’re no longer dating.”

“Could you at least let him know where you are?”

“Nope but you can if you feel that bad for him…I’d rather you didn’t but you’re the nice one so…”

Matt and his friend roared with laughter at something and I was jostled on his lap. 

“I don’t like this Rose. I don’t like this at all.” Lissa’s voice was flat and made my tummy feel bad. 

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. I’m worried.”

“Please don’t be worried. I promise I’ll be home before twelve.”

“Rose…”

“Please Lissa, one hour and I’ll be home.”

The line was quiet as she thought it over. I really wanted to go back into the other room and dance now. This conversation was ruining my whole mysterious thing I had going on.

“Alright…” she said reluctantly and I beamed into my glass, “One hour. And nothing happens with Max!”

I frowned, “Who’s Max?”

“I am!”

“Oh yeah.” I patted the arm around my waist and he shook his head, “No funny business. I am Cinderella!”

“I’ll get a car to be outside in an hour.”

“Okay. Love you liss!”

“I love you too…be safe.”

“Oh purlease, you forget who you are talking to Princess.”

“… Get a glass of water Rose.”  
*  
As soon as I put my phone away I asked Max to go back to the dance floor with me.

“Nah, let’s stay here and chill out.” He whispers. His hand slid higher up my thigh.

I’d been out of the game so long and dated older (and in one case) more mature men, I’d forgotten how boys expected things in return for something so little as a drink. A brief war kind of flashback played in front of my eyes... being half naked with Jesse Zales and Dimitri bursting through the door looking like violence was a promise… 

Men were nothing but trouble.

I stood up off Matts, Max, whatever’s lap and looked down at his startled face. “Nah, I’m going to go dance. Thanks for the drink.”

As soon as I stepped out of the tunnel that connected the separate rooms the music assaulted me, like a blast of air that forced me to take a step back. It was time to be the sexy and mysterious girl again, one without a care in the damn world… but first I needed another drink. 

Thankfully I got the same bartender from before who yelled “Same Again?” at me. I nodded and then wondered if I shouldn’t have when two shots and another drink were lined up for me. I wasn’t exactly a lightweight but it had been a while…

I’d get water before I left. I handed over my last ten dollars and threw back the shots. I winked at the bartender as he gave me my change. Picking up my drink I walked back into the maze of moving bodies and started to move my own. 

It wasn’t long before Max was back and he’d brought some of his friends. The blonde’s glare turned up to volcanic proportions and I wondered if her head would burst open. Just to be bad I closed the gap between mine and Max’s bodies and put an arm around his neck. His thigh was close to being between my knees.

“What’s her problem?” I said into his ear. 

He barely glanced at her. “She’s not you.”

I knew what that felt like.

Tasha and Dimitri laughing burned before my eyes. He probably laughed with her through the dinner, Lissa and Christian joining in and it would be a perfect little group. Dimitri probably bought her birthday gift and he’d probably be giving her another later on tonight. My body slowed in its sway and Max closed his arms around me. 

I pushed away from him. “I need another drink!”

He looked confused and he didn’t let go of my arm until I moved out of reach. I pushed my way out of the dance floor. The excitement that was fizzing around my body was going   
flat like a drink left out too long. I reached the bar and cussed when I saw my bartender was at the other end, I waved to him and he signalled he’d be two minutes. There just didn’t seem to be any point in trying to translate to someone else what I wanted. 

“Rose.”

It should have been impossible for me to have heard my name being said so clearly considering I could barely hear myself think. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I turned to face him.

“What the hell are you doing here?” 

Either Dimitri hadn’t heard me or he thought the answer was obvious. He stared down at me levelly, his face unreadable as it was cast in shadow or masked by the strobe lights. He wasn’t wearing his duster but a black, long sleeved t-shirt and jeans which was about as dressy as he ever got. Tasha was a lucky lady…even in the distorted light it was obvious the material clung to his torso in all the right ways. His dark hair was loose of its pony tail and framing his face perfectly, his cheekbones, his jaw…

Someone poked my shoulder and I turned to see the bartender with two shots and a drink ready. Holy hell he was trying to kill me. I waved over the shots and shook my head, pointing to the drink and trying to process Dimitri’s presence. Never in my life did I picture him in a nightclub. 

I knew I looked good. Well I had looked good when I came out, there’d been lots of dancing since then and for all I know my face had melted off. Okay my face might be a caution zone but my body would be okay. I was wearing an off shoulder burgundy dress that was amazing for my cleavage. The material emphasized my waist and hips, with the length reaching mid-thigh. The black stilettos made my ass look fantastic. All this effort, and two months’ salary, was mostly for me but it was also to impress Adrian’s parents as the attire could pass for formal… it was also to impress Adrian. What a waste. I was snapped out of my thought as the bartender waved away my money. I frowned and he winked, walking off to serve someone else. Huh…maybe I had impressed someone tonight. 

Dimitri loomed over me.

“That’s not a good idea.” He said. How the fuck could I hear him? He wasn’t even shouting. I schooled my features to look confused feigning I was deaf. A warm hand slid over my lower back and for a second I thought it might have been his. My heart stopped. Then I realised Max was on my other side. He was looking over my head at Dimitri in that testosterone-sizing-up thing guys do. Either Max was drunk or an idiot because he didn’t measure up, in more ways than one. 

“Here!” I slid a shot toward him and kept the chocolate one for myself. With a defiant glance at Dimitri I brought up to my lips and threw it back. His expression didn’t change, as far as I could tell, but I knew he was getting annoyed.

Good.

“Who’s this?” Max shouted at me nodding at Dimitri.

“My stalker” I shouted into his ear.

“Rose we’re leaving.” Dimitri said. 

I turned back to him and crossed my arms, “I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Dimitri’s gaze was uncompromising. “You promised Vasilisa.”

Ah. Lissa had sent him. Duh. For one deluded drunken moment I thought he’d sought me out because he wanted to. I turned to Max, turning my back on Dimitri and hopefully giving him an excellent view of my backside. 

“What time is it?” 

Max took out his phone and held the lit screen up to me. He looked over my shoulder looking annoyed at our third wheel. I spun back around. “I have thirty minutes left!”  
Dimitri leaned down slightly, putting him on my eye level and causing my heart and lungs to do stupid things, like, not work. “You said you’d be back before twelve. The drive is twenty minutes long.”

I took a deep breath and brushed my hair over my shoulder. His eyes followed the movement or at least I think they did. “Well then I have ten more minutes.” I held my drink aloft. “Cheers.”

This time Dimitri’s expression was readable. As I took a gulp of the drink his face darkened and his jaw clenched. Ah emotion, he still had it. One of Max friends ambled up to the bar, pushing his way in between me and Max, thus shoving me towards Dimitri. He hand shot out and took my arm to steady me. His hand on my bare skin was warm, sending the same heat running all over my body and awakening nerves that had been asleep. One we’d stepped out of the growing queue he let go. It was maddening how isolated the loss of that touch made me feel. 

“Who is that boy?” He asked. The way he said boy made me both irritated and insulted. So I ignored him and took another sip. “Rose I know you can hear me.”

“Max.” I said simply. 

“And how would Adrian feel about you spending time with him?”

“I don’t know. You should go ask him.” I was not going to let him guilt trip me. I hadn’t done anything to feel bad about.

“Do you think this is fair to him?”

I was startled by the tone of his voice. Despite the blaring music I could hear the anger and challenge it contained. Since when did he care so much about Adrian’s feelings? 

“Me and Adrian broke up.” I defended.

“No one moves on that fast. You’re only going to hurt someone or yourself.”

Oh great, his zen crap thing.

I met his eyes and smiled sweetly. “Feelings fade, mine have.”

Echoing his words back to him caused wounds inside my own chest to start stinging as if the words were salt. Well he was right about one thing, I did hurt myself. His face pinched slightly and I turned away from him. I shouldn’t even be talking to him. He’d ignored me for months. Max broke away from the crowd at the bar and I walked over to meet him, half expecting Dimitri to pull me back. I read “Dance floor” off his lips. Reluctantly I shook my head. My ten minutes were bound to be up and I had promised Lissa.   
Max frowned and I did my best to explain I had to leave. He asked if it was something to do with my stalker and I laughed and said sort of. In the midst of this disastrous conversation Max’s arm had slid around my lower back again, drawing me close. I’d finished trying to explain and looked up at him and it only registered with there about what he was going to do. His eyes were slightly glassy as they stared at my lips. Everything in me started screaming wrong. His arms around me, hands low on my back, his face close to mine, his chest against my chest, wrong. 

Thank god for guardian reflexes. 

Max lunged and I swiftly turned my face so his wet lips grazed my cheek. Ick. I was just about to reach around and grab one of his wrists and spin him off me when he suddenly disappeared… like magic. Now you see him and now you don’t. 

The guy he’d crashed into was less than happy to see him and planted his fist into Max’s face.

A fight broke out. 

I stood there staring as the fighting grew like a flame becoming an inferno. Max and the guy’s friends both jumped in, causing a domino effect at the bar as more people got involved. Girls started screaming. 

A hand locked around my arm and my fist clenched instinctively, ready to defend myself.

“We’re leaving now.” Dimitri‘s voice was hard and he started steering us toward the exit. The clubs bouncers were descending on the mob. Dressed in black they reminded me of guardians only they moved less gracefully and looked like wrathful mountains. 

“You did that!” I shouted when we were clear of the room and its thundering music. 

We stood in the small entrance for the club where a guy sat behind a counter taking money in exchange for the luminous band that got you in. Two more mountain sized bouncers stood guard of the doors we’d just emerged out of. Dimitri ignored me and continued to manoeuvre around people. Rage flared in my chest and I considered removing his hand and then punching him. How dare he march me out of a club after he’d pushed Max so hard he almost took flight and caused a brawl. Sure I was going to push Max away myself but that was beside the point. He was ruining my night and embarrassing me. 

I caught the eye of one of the bouncer who spared a look at Dimitri’s grip on me. He wasn’t being rough but still… I could work with this. I wiped the anger off my face.

If Dimitri wanted to treat me like a little girl well I could act like one. 

Take one, Rose Hathaway, ACTION.

I reached out and grabbed the bouncers forearm. Dimitri was jerked back from pulling us forward. The bouncer impassive face suddenly changed to one of surprise and I made my eyes go wide.

“Please help me. This man’s harassing me.” I said trying to sound scared. The surprise suddenly hardened on the guys face and he directed his gaze over my head at Dimitri. I smirked just imaging the confusion on his stupid Russian face.

“Let go of her.” Bouncer Bill ordered. He wasn’t as tall as Dimitri but he was twice a broad with ropey muscles bulging on his arms. I’m sure he fancied himself as the alpha around here. 

I looked over my shoulder at Dimitri who was staring at the bouncer with an unreadable expression but when his gaze flicked down to me and his eyes held steel. A human he couldn’t fight with but another Dhampir? Yeah he was going to kill me. His dropped his hand and I stepped back to put Bill between me and him.

“Now move on.” The bouncer instructed nodding towards the street.

“She’s underage.” Dimitri replied flatly staring straight at me.

Fuck. 

Bill glared over his shoulder.

“I am not.” I retorted.

“ID.” Bill demanded holding out a hand.

“I, uh, left it inside. Look even if I am that makes him harassing me like, ten times worse, I can’t leave with him.”

“I’m a friend of the family and I promised to get her home before she got herself into even more trouble.” Dimitri said sounding like a reliable and earnest gentleman.

“He started that fight in there!” I protested.

Bill placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and shoved. “Both of you get the hell out.” He marched me and Dimitri out past the queue on the sidewalk, ignoring my protests about sending me off with a stranger as Dimitri walked ahead with grace. 

“If I get sold into the sex trade it’ll all be on you!” I yelled after Bill as he marched back toward the club then I rounded on Dimitri.

“Well I hope you’re pleased with yourself.” 

He looked at me with a mixture of exasperation and frustration. A look he used to give me when I was being ridiculous during one of our training sessions. It seemed like a million years ago. “You caused that scene Rose and I can’t understand why.”

“Well I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t initiated Fight Club.”

“I didn’t cause that either. Drunk and irresponsible boys did.”

“Will you stop saying boys like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like they’re twelve.”

“The only person acting like they’re twelve is standing in front of me and embarrassing themselves.”

My anger reached its peak and left me incapable of speaking. Wow, who knew that was possible?  
Dimitri was watching me intently and I knew he was expecting an apology or for me to agree. It made me more determined not to, even though in the back of mind I knew I was being bratty. 

How dare he, how dare he not speak to me for months after everything I did for him, after everything we’d been through and the most he could ever say to me was in regards to guardian business. He was the bare bones of civil around me. I could have dealt with it if I hadn’t seen him being normal around others, the other guardians, Lissa, Tasha….  
It hurt seeing him laugh or converse with others. It hurt knowing he didn’t acknowledge I existed in the room. It hurt all the time. And it wasn’t like it went unnoticed either. Other people asked me about his glacial treatment and were even more perplexed when they learned he had been my mentor. They tried to piece things together, I never offered any glue. 

Back at court I’d sworn I’d shut him out of my heart and I tried. I tried to devote what I could to Adrian who was more than understanding (he even followed me and Lissa and enrolled in some of the art classes… which he didn’t stick to), but when I saw Dimitri starting to get back to…normal I’d let myself hope that maybe I could at least be his friend.  
He made it quite clear that wasn’t going to happen.

“Well then I’ll relieve you of such embarrassing company.” I snap before turning on my heel and heading down the street. 

This side of town had plenty of night life and I passed two more bars, the second of which had a lot of people outside smoking, mostly guys. As I walked past one whistled at me.   
“Where are you going sexy?”

I winked at him as I passed. He put a hand over his heart and mimed stumbling back. Dimitri reappeared at my side. I glowered up at him but he was too busy giving a deathly look to my admirer, who held his hands up in a peaceful gesture. He probably thought Dimitri was my boyfriend. 

I kept walking and ignored my shadow.

“What are you doing?” He finally asked exasperated. 

I am ignoring you, you idiot. I pulled out my cell phone and the screen blazed angrily at me. Ten missed calls from Adrian and countless text messages that I wasn’t even going to read. I’d deal with it all tomorrow. Dimitri made an impatient sound, “We both know one way or another I’m taking you home so why don’t we just cut to the part where we go get the car.”

“Oh I’m sorry were you speaking to me? It’s just after you ignoring me for months it’s a little hard to believe.”

Alcohol could be really awesome when it came to things like making your feet numb from the pain inflicted by ridiculous heels although it didn’t help for balance. Dimitri stepped in front of me and I nearly collided with his chest.

“We’re going home. Now.” 

“Haven’t I made it clear that I’m not going anywhere with you? Jesus Comrade you used to be quicker than this.”

“What exactly do you plan to do? Walk around until someone else leers at you? Go to another bar? You promised Vasilisa you’d go home so why aren’t you doing that?”

“I plan on getting a cab.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“I am known for that.” 

Dimitri’s dark eyes searched by face and I wished they wouldn’t. It made me feel naked and not in the fun way. “This isn’t you.” He said softly. 

“I have a driver’s license that says otherwise.” 

He ignored that. “Going out by yourself and drinking is too reckless. You know the risks. You know more than anyone how dangerous it is to be the slightest bit vulnerable when there could be threats.” 

“Well maybe for one damn night I wanted to be reckless. Maybe I didn’t want to be cautious.”

“How selfish of you.” His tone didn’t change but it was like being slapped in the face anyway.

“Selfish.” I repeated, mulling it over my tongue. “I’ll add that to the growing list of my inadequacies.”

I tried to step around him but he took my arm again, his grip firm.

He leaned down so his lips were by my ear. “Rose I’m taking you home and if that means throwing you over my shoulder then so be it.”

I tilted my head to the side so our faces were inches apart. God he was so beautiful. For moment it seemed the sentiment was being mirrored in his eyes but I was slightly drunk so…

“I’ll scream.” I warned him.

For the first time in months Dimitri smiled at me. A small one, a small etch on the lips but it was the world. “I don’t care.”


	2. Travelling.

Back in my old glory days of being the wild child at the Academy, despite the consequences of a month’s detention and Kirova’s wrath, I had done a lot of things under the influence of alcohol. I’d climbed out dorm windows, into dorms windows, ran around the surrounding forest, hid firecrackers around the teacher’s lounge and got hot and heavy a time or two but never going any further than removing my shirt. But never had I found myself hanging upside down from a 6’7 Russian.   
“Dimitri put me down!” I shriek for the countless time and like every other time he ignores me. I struggle to push myself up from his shoulders but the hand he had clamped around my hips was making it hard to do anything. After some futile wriggling I give up and flop against his back.  
“You son of a bitch.” I growl through my teeth.  
No answer.  
“Everyone is going to see my underwear comrade!”  
No answer.   
The concrete sky was blurry. Dimitri was moving so fast it seemed he hardly touched the ground at all. I was starting to feel sick.  
“I did not spend good money at Victoria Secret to give anyone a free show!”  
After he’d thrown me over his shoulder it had taken me ten seconds to realise he had done it. He’d actually followed through in his threat and was willing to humiliate me just to prove a point. It had taken me two more seconds before I followed through with my own threat. The problem with that being it only drew the attention of drunk passer-by’s who cheered Dimitri on. It really says something about the general public when they cheer on a caveman.   
It was quieter now wherever we were. The side of town that hosted the nightlife was well behind us and with the awkward position I was in I couldn’t gauge more than glimpses of the surroundings but I had the best view of his back side.  
His stupid, perfect, arrogant ass.  
“You’ve made your point you can put me down now.” I say, slapping his back.   
“We’re nearly there.” His voice sounds smug.  
“If we’re nearly there put me down! Unless your ulterior motive is you can see my underwear?”  
I knew my dress was in a modest position. Dimitri was kind enough to yank the material down in the process of pulling me over his shoulder and his grip was keeping the dress from riding up but I was hoping the accusation would be enough for him to put me the fuck down.  
No answer.   
“Urgh!” I begin pummelling his back with my fists and wriggling again, “Put me down!”  
A wave of nausea rolls over me and my fists falter against his back. My fingers dig into the material as I try to centre myself. The world starts to tilt bizarrely in my periphery.   
Dimitri’s muscles have tensed up under my fingers and I briefly remembered how I used to cling to him when we had stolen moments. How the first time we slept together being skin to skin felt crucial and any space between us was unbearable. I wonder if he remembered it or at least his body did…  
Another wave rolls over me and spots appear before my eyes.  
Maybe throwing up on him wouldn’t be such a bad thing; it would work better than screaming had.   
“Comrade I need you to put me down!”   
“Not until we’re there, encase you have ideas about using your fists. You’re trying my patience as it is.”  
I could barely hear him, “Dimitri please.”  
The change in my voice must have surprised him as his pace slowed, that helped a little. He stops and then hesitates. His grip on my hips loosens and I gently push at his shoulders, hoping the wooziness would show mercy.   
Dimitri helps me down and sets me on my feet. The dark parking lot we’re in tilts and my knees go weak. Sure hands grasp my arms and hold me secure as the world gets its shit together.  
“Rose, are you okay?”  
I blink a couple of times and the carousel I’m on slows down, with a shake of my head it finally stops. I look up ready to tell him I was fine but the word slips back down my throat. He was much closer than I anticipated and it was different without the blaring music of the club. I’d been well aware of him then but there had been distractions unlike now. Unlike now when his face was holding a glimmer of an emotion he hadn’t shown for me in months, concern. It was in his eyes as they searched my face, in the tension of his lips…his lips.  
I slap his hands away, “I’m fine.”   
The concern is wiped away and left a clear and empty surface. His hands drop and loneliness spreads like damp under my skin. I cross my arms and look around the parking lot, “Could you have parked further away?”   
“It was the closest I could get considering.” He replies deadpan. “Come on.”  
He steps around me and I don’t move. I didn’t want to follow him, I didn’t want to have to sit in car with him for twenty minutes and I didn’t want to go back to an empty house. But what else could I do? The excitement from earlier was long gone and all I felt was irritated and since when did I get what I wanted?  
I sigh and turn to follow Dimitri, who was standing by a blue car waiting for me.   
I raise an eyebrow, “Don’t they allow you to have a guardian SUV or are they afraid you’ll break it?”  
“It’s Tasha’s.” he said unlocking it.  
Oh wonderful.  
“Of course it is.” I mutter getting in and slamming the door behind me.   
Dimitri got in the driver’s side and I found the whole thing so bizarre I almost laughed. Almost. The car wasn’t exactly small but it wasn’t a guardian car. In the SUV we would have a comfortable distance between us, in Tasha’s car that wasn’t the case. It even smelt girly and it bothered me. The fact Dimitri could fold himself nicely into her car without looking awkward bothered me even more.  
I cross my legs and keep my arms tight around myself, leaning right up against the door so to put as much room between us as possible. He starts the car and I’m surprised by the growl of the engine.   
Why was he driving her car? Why not his own? Maybe he was staying with her at Christians to. I mean it wouldn’t make much sense or him to go back fourth to his accommodation when his girlfriend and his moroi were in one place and whatever the reason it still meant he’d have to return her car back to her, he’d still be leaving to go to her. Not that it mattered to me. There was no reason for it to.   
The silence between us was so tense I could have cut it apart with a knife. I could slice it right up and see if anything would pour out but most likely I’ll take it home with me because that’s all Dimitri had left me with, silence.  
Urgh, now I wasn’t using any energy the alcohol was becoming heavy in my body. It was also making me a depresso. I lean my head against the window, the cool surface was soothing but it made goose bumps run along my skin, making me shiver.  
Dimitri’s long, slender fingers move from the gear shit to turn on the heater.   
I pretend not to notice.   
“Why did Lissa send you?”   
My voice sounds too loud and too blunt in the small confines of the car…I suppose I’d used the knife.  
“She didn’t.” He finally said, “I volunteered.”  
I frown at the dash board. “Why?”  
“It was convenient. She was worried you wouldn’t be picked up or something else might happen. Me going made her feel the whole situation was safer.” After that nomad strigoi ventured too close to the College ward boundaries Lissa had been more conscious about stepping outside of them. Considering I’d only taken the soulless bastard down last week, after he’d broken my wrist, I could see why she’d been freaked out tonight. I’d been alone, slightly drunk and too angry to see why that combination could cause problems. In light of this I couldn’t really blame her for allowing Dimitri to come. That didn’t mean I had to be happy about it. “Besides,” He continued, “someone else would have only waited for you in a car whilst I would make sure you were actually in one. A good thing really otherwise they would have been waiting all night.”   
“That is not true.” I snap. “I promised Lissa so I would have been out by twelve.”  
“That’s not the impression I got.”  
“And what impression was that?”  
In the dim light I glare at him whilst he adamantly looks straight ahead. “That you weren’t going home anytime soon.”  
“Of course I was.” I hated that he thought I’d let Lissa down but reassuring him didn’t make me feel better. I turn away from him and try not to smirk when I add, “Maybe just not alone.”  
The silence was almost violent.   
He could think whatever he wanted of me except that I’d let her down. He was the one who told me ages ago that I understood my responsibilities more acutely than guardians twice my age. Unless he was just trying to piss me off, I had interrupted his night with the birthday girl, but I had no sympathy, especially as the feeling was mutual.   
“Then again” I begin cheerily, “with your conversational skills this car ride would have been a lot more awkward with another person.”   
“I doubt it. There wouldn’t be any other person present.” He says flatly.   
“There might have been if you hadn’t attacked them.”  
“I did not attack anybody Rose and do not act like I didn’t remove you from a situation that you didn’t want to be in.”  
“Another impression of yours? That’s the thing about perspectives Comrade, they differ.”   
“Stop calling me that and stop lying. You cannot honestly believe that you can convince me you wanted that boy to kiss you, not after you diverted his advances yourself.”  
“If you’re so convinced about that then what would have me stay? Why would I need someone to make sure I was in the car?”  
“Just because you didn’t want to kiss him doesn’t mean you didn’t want to play with fire. That was clear from the way you were dancing.”  
“There’s nothing wrong with dancing and maybe Matt just caught me off-guard and even I didn’t want him to kiss me you shouldn’t have pushed him like that. I can look after myself!”  
“Who’s Matt?”  
Oh for god’s sake. “I meant Max.”  
“What a romantic connection you’ve shared.”  
“Piss off.”  
I took a deep breath not realising how worked up I was becoming. And since when did he do sarcasm? Since when did he do anything besides remain the calm and infuriating type?  
“I know you can look after yourself.” He says quietly and I bristle anticipating an attack. “But that doesn’t mean that you should make it that you are the only person that will look out for you.”  
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Shut it. Open it. “What does that even mean?”  
“That boy wouldn’t be worth the consequences with Adrian or the regret you might feel.”  
“I don’t need Adrian to look after me either.” I retort. “And I certainly didn’t need your help tonight and I don’t need you words of wisdom either.”  
“Noted.” He says in a tone that wants to end our longest conversation in months. I’m not feeling particularly accommodating.   
“Besides I have nothing to regret, all I did was dance with someone and accept a drink. Hardly qualifies as cheating, ESPECIALLY when you are no longer involved with someone else.”  
“Does Adrian know that?” he asks and I’m thrilled to hear the undercurrent of agitation in his voice. “And it wasn’t just innocent dancing, it never is.”  
“Compared to what it could have been, and believe me it could have been if I hadn’t stopped it, it was just dancing. In the twenty first century it is. Did they make you have five inches of space between you in Russia? Never mind, you dancing is less likely than the Queen inviting me to a slumber party.”   
“More likely than you stopping being so ridiculous.”  
“So If I stop being ridiculous you’ll do a jig?”  
“The day you stop being ridiculous the sun will fall from the sky.”  
“And you’ll be dancing in the midst of an apocalypse. Got it.”  
This conversation was ridiculous but I was far too irritated to find it remotely funny.   
“Don’t make a fool out of Adrian.” Dimitri said. “He doesn’t deserve that.”  
Silence stitches itself in to the confines of the car.  
“Don’t make a fool out of Adrian?” I repeat quietly.  
Dimitri inhales awkwardly. “Yes. He was pretty frantic about finding you tonight. I’m sure whatever fight you two had can be reconciled, he seemed genuinely sorry-“  
“DON’T MAKE A FOOL OUT OF HIM?”I erupt and Dimitri jolts in surprise but manages to keep control of the car. “HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! MAKE A FOOL OUT OF HIM? I’M THE ONE WHO’S BEEN MADE TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT BUT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT RIGHT?”  
“Rose.” His tone the right mixture of shock and reproach you’d give a pet when you were trying to calm it down. That just made me madder.   
“AND HOW DARE YOU START TO GIVE ME ADVICE ON MY LOVE LIFE! YOU OF ALL PEOPLE LECTURING ME ON HOW TO TREAT SOMEONE? TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR-“  
“ROSE!” His voice slapped down on my rant and squished it.  
I dragged in a lungful of air noticing how much my hands were shaking. I needed to punch something. I needed to break something. I needed away from him before he ended up being the goddamn target. His posture was rigid and as he’d yelled we’d been slowing at a stop light. The beam of the car behind us flooded the car. We were on the last part of human civilisation before the turn that would take us onto the stretch of road leading to the Moroi College.   
The human civilisation being a little diner and a gas station. This road was always busy but rarely someone would take the right Dimitri was about to.   
The light turned amber.  
I flung the door open and got out before he could stop me.  
“Rose!” he barked and as I slammed the door whatever curse he said in Russian was cut off.   
A car horn blared a warning as it flew past me and I darted across the road in the limited time I had before the next car could flatten me. That would be the cherry on top of tonight. The car whooshed past and I could almost feel the metal glide along the back of my legs as my hair reached out in the direction it had gone. My heart stuttered and then got promptly back into tempo as I reached the safety banks of the diners parking bay.   
I reached the step in front of the door when gravity flung me to the left. I caught myself on rail, set out for pensioners to navigate the monstrous ledge no doubt.  
“Fucking shoes!” Run through traffic, fine. Navigate step? Nah.  
I hobble to the door and push it open, stepping in the fluorescent light. It was mostly empty. A middle aged waitress was at the far end of the room serving coffee to two men. They all turned around at the sound of my entrance.  
“I’ll be right with you Sugar.” She calls out with a smile on her face. The two guys were looking me over. I glared before stalking over off to a booth on the other end of the room. I sat down heavily on the hard cushioned seat and took a deep breath.  
Now what?  
To be honest I was surprised Dimitri hadn’t got out of the car after me, the queue behind him be damned. He was probably half way back to campus to inform Lissa what a raging bitch I was and that someone else could go fetch me. It was for the best, I mean, I was half way to putting my fist through the windshield… or imploding.   
“Tough night honey?”   
I look up to find the waitress smiling sympathetically down at me, a notepad poised in her hand acrylic nailed hand. I bet her name was Candy or Dolly. “You could say that.”  
“I’m sure we have something sweet to make you feel better. A pretty face like yours shouldn’t look so sour, how about some hot chocolate?”   
“Do you have anything stronger?”  
She titters and then when she sees I’m serious her expression softens, “Hot chocolate with a twist then.”   
“Thanks.” I mutter and she winks.   
She walks away and I realise the other two men were watching the exchange.  
“What?” I challenge and they both turn away hastily. Behind the counter the waitress shakes her head and whispers something to them that looks reprimanding. The low murmuring of their voices drifts around the diner, along with a song from the radio. I took another long, deep breath trying to settle the erratic feelings pumping through my veins, adrenaline tinged feelings. What the hell had I just done? It was stupid, completely stupid but I didn’t quite regret it… I needed out of that damn car. I’m so tired people telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing, reminded all the time of who I actually was when I wasn’t that person at all…   
The door bursts open making the two men jump so high they almost all off their stools. The sight was quite hilarious, the alarm on their faces as Dimitri filled up the entrance looking murderous. In three strides he’s towering over my table and my hands curl into fists at my thighs.   
When he was strigoi his face always held some kind of remote fury, like a storm you can see far off in the distance but you knew the clouds were going to roll your way eventually. Even though it was the same face the fury was different. The same hard planes and angles of anger but this time his face held fire instead of ice. Raw, living fury that a small part of you knew originated from a good place, even though it might not feel that way.   
His eyes are mahogany shut doors. His jaw clenches and I knew he was fighting for control.   
Probably not to throttle me.  
“I’ll scream.” I say simply.   
His eyes narrowed into slits.  
“It’s all kicking off in here tonight.” One of the guy’s whisper but the place was so silent it carried. Even the radio was holding its breath.   
“Are you okay sweetie?” Dolly called over to me in much stronger voice than I would give her credit for, “Any trouble and I’ll dial 911. Do you hear me?”  
I hadn’t broken eye contact with Dimitri and I was sure I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. His gaze was pinning me to the seat and I’m certain he was close to throwing me over his shoulder again, human authorities be damned.  
I tore my eyes away to assure Dolly, who was eyeing Dimitri, brave woman. “Everything’s fine. Maybe a second order over here please.” I turned back to him. “He’s sitting in.”  
“Alright.” Dolly said slowly before disappearing back into the kitchen.  
I kept my ace blank under Dimitri’s gaze, his frame was rigid and his hands (like mine) were fists at his sides. I gestured to the opposite seat. “Are you going to sit down or are you going to stand there? Perfect vantage point to see my cleavage I know but have some subtly.”  
He exhaled heavily and closed his eyes. Whilst he did his breathing exercise my gaze dropped to the rise and fall of his chest… I could almost feel the beat of his heart. I snapped out of it when he said something in Russian and took the seat opposite, glaring at me the whole time.  
It was like he’d absorbed some of my anger, or maybe it was just seeing him so pissed, because I started to grin.  
Now he looked ready to implode.   
“You’re reminding me of USSR missile Comrade.”  
Silence, silence and a scowl so dangerous I must have been giddy for the miracle of being alive.   
“Your hot chocolates. One deluxe with a twist.” Dolly announced, setting one down in front me with a wink. Then she set other down in front of Dimitri with a vulgar thud. He didn’t even look up. “One regular.”  
“Thank you.” I said and she gave me a look as I to say ‘any trouble and you just let me know’ before retreating back to the other two customers who must have been regulars. I took a tentive sip of my drink, trying to avoid getting whip cream all over my face as deluxe meant a mountain of it. It also meant Tia Maria. I wonder why she had that stashed.  
“What…the hell was that?” His tone was low and strained.   
I shrugged because it seemed to be most infuriating thing to do and took another sip.  
“So help me Rose-“  
“What?”  
“I feel like I’m dealing with the reckless girl I first met in Portland but ten times worse!”  
“Adrian had a lucky escape huh?”  
He looked away toward the rest of the diner and hushed voices started. I guessed the others had been staring at us and now trying to hide it.   
“I shouldn’t have said anything about you both. It is none of business.” He said. The sincerity of the apology was apparent even If his tone was rigid. He turned back to me “But it doesn’t prompt you jumping out of a car into heavy traffic. Are you insane?”  
“No insane spells here, not since… Lissa’s taking more care of Spirit and her mood levels.”  
No insane spells since Jesse’s attack on Lissa when I absorbed her rage…and Dimitri wrestled with me as I was consumed with bloodlust, pleading for me to snap out of it because I was stronger… it was one of the reasons why he had loved me… and then showed me how much.   
I hadn’t said it but I could tell he was recalling it to and I suddenly felt like running out into the traffic again.   
“Where’s the car?”  
His expression turned dark again. “Outside. I had to make a ridiculously dangerous turn on the highway.”  
“Was it like fast and the furious?” I asked, smiling around my mug. I’d gotten half way down and the alcohol had turned up a kick, it must be all lurking at the bottom.   
“No. It wasn’t remotely like that.”  
“Since when did you get so proper? Back in the day I would have thought you’d have just jumped out and threw me back in, hurting the cars if they got in the way.”  
“It’s Tasha’s car, I couldn’t let it get reported.”   
My smile vanished. “Right.”  
The Tia Maria was kindling the rest of the alcohol in my system and warm tingles ran up my back. I felt light, despite the heavy thoughts in my head.  
“I’m not going to comment on you and Adrian again-”   
“Wise.”   
“But I have to ask Rose, there’s more going on here isn’t there? It’s just not a fight.”  
“What was your first clue?” I drained the last of my drink, the warmth just made me realise how cold I was but it didn’t bother me. Dimitri looked down at his own drink like he just realised it was there. He wrapped his hands around and it and took a sip.  
“It needs more chocolate.” He commented. I called over to Dolly for a refill and she collected my mug, ignoring Dimitri. Even that was impressive, I was pissed at him but I could appreciate he was nice to look at.  
“What’s going on Rose?”  
“It’s not your business.”  
“After the behaviour you’ve displayed tonight it is my business.” He said voice hard. “You’ve been reckless and quite bizarre, not exactly traits a guardian should have.”  
For a moment I thought his expression of concern was for me but with the mention of our line of work I realised it wasn’t about me at all. Stupid girl.   
“I’d never do anything that would put Lissa at risk.” I said steadily, returning his gaze. “Never.”  
“Tonight-“  
“Well she isn’t with me tonight is she?” I snap.  
“And when she is? How can I trust you to act responsibly?”  
“Have you thought that maybe that it’s just a reaction to your presence?”  
“Yes.” He answers without hesitation, “But I have to be sure. I know you’re not, we’re not, on good terms at the minute but we’ve been able to be civil these past months, why’s it different now?”  
I force myself to remain eye contact and avoid the question. “I’ve had a really bad day. I took advantage of having a night off duty, it’s not a crime.”  
“This isn’t some side effect of spirit?”   
“For god’s sake Comrade.”  
“You were healed last week.” He accused. “You’ve struggled with it before, the anger, the intensity of what Lissa can feel and tonight you had less regard for your own safety.”  
“Last week was minor.” I argued. “She shouldn’t have done it but she insisted. Spirits under control.”  
“So why Rose?”  
“Why does it matter? I’m not losing my mind. It’s just classic drunken behaviour.”  
“Rose.” He said sharply, “I’m asking because I’m concerned. I need to know being this thoughtless is a onetime thing and that you’re not going to endanger Princess Dragomir or yourself by being distracted by other things.”  
“I’ve told you-“  
“You’ve ruled Spirit out and that’s it. If you don’t tell me then I have to report in and you can explain to Hans.”  
I stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?”  
He stares back levelly.  
“You’re being ridiculous.” I half shout.   
“They come first.”  
I’d never shared this much hostility with anyone, all this pent up tension and nothing to do to get rid of it. It was always there between us over the past couple of months, awkward tension but leaving his presence would always make it dissipate, eventually, but now it mounted and getting away from him wasn’t proving to be an option.   
I was almost certain that if it were another Moroi he would have let this go, accepted being drunk and angry as my reasons but because this was Lissa he had this goddamn devotion to protect her at all costs. That is exactly what we do as guardians, what I’d always do for Lissa, but his gratitude toward her for using spirit to bring him back tied him to her he felt. He always owed her and he couldn’t risk a thing.   
Thinking I’d put her in danger showed just how protective he was or maybe it was slightly resentment towards me, I mean…he wasn’t her guardian because I got in the way and he got the next best option, being Christians. That way he was always close to Lissa and protecting one of the people she loved most.  
Dolly appeared and looked between me and Dimitri who were locked into a cold war. “Your deluxe, extra twist.”  
“Thank you.” I said and I really meant it. Extra was what I needed. I scraped some of the cream away and sipped. Straightening my shoulders I met his eyes. “Let me make this clear Comrade. Lissa come’s first to me, always has, you should know that by now.”   
“I believe you believe that.”  
“Don’t be so condescending!”  
“Stop yelling at me.” He whispers fiercely. “I didn’t mean it to be patronising.”   
The resurgence of alcohol was not helping control my irritation…it made it easier to talk though. “Sorry.” I mutter, reaching or my mug again. I grab it sloppily and I hope he didn’t notice. “You’re not going to let this go are you?”  
“You don’t have to tell me.”  
I suddenly feel smaller. “But you’ll report it in.”  
His eyes soften slightly and his lips purse. “It’s not personal. It’s just …”  
“Isn’t it? You not her other guardian and I’m sure you figure I had some part in that. You feel responsible for her. On some level I’m grateful for your obsession for her safety, I suppose.”  
“It’s not personal.” He repeats firmly and I’m grateful he doesn’t inquire about what part I had played in denying him Lissa’s guardianship. There wasn’t enough alcohol in this diner to make me talk about it.  
There’s a pause as I gather my thoughts, it’s slightly like trying to grab water. I take another drink. “It just all mounted up I guess. I was looking forward to tonight, not just because I was off duty, I don’t mind looking out or Lissa at all, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do –“  
“It’s okay to want time or yourself.” Dimitri says quietly.  
I nod. “Adrian annoyed me, his family hate me and seeing one of them is Queen it can be…heavy. I’m just so sick of being told how to act or what to do when I already do what is required of me. I do my duty, I protect others…everything else should belong to me. My choices, my future…and acting like I have tonight was my choice and there was no one to tell me otherwise, there was no one else needing my constant attention. Maybe I just went a bit freedom crazy.” The whole thing sounded so feeble that I felt awkward but I’d rather downplay it all as much as possible than tell him all. It’s not like he deserved to know everything anyway. I took another drink and winced at the bite of alcohol.  
“Just a bit?” he said, “Rose you were almost run over.”  
“But I wasn’t.” The hard look was back on his face and before he can speak I cut him off. “You wanted an explanation and there it is. It’s not going to happen again because me and Adrian aren’t together anymore. I’m not distracted.” I drank the last of my special hot chocolate, it was basically the only good thing I had and now it had run out. I pouted down at it and looked up and to find Dimitri watching me.  
“It seems unfair to give up what you have because of other people. That doesn’t seem like you at all.”  
“It takes a lot for what other people think to bother me Comrade but it’s not just them.”   
It was quiet between us and I caught sight of the clock on the wall, it was after one. I should call Lissa.  
“Do you love him?” he asks quietly.  
A dozen responses rammed through my head like freight train, all of them various attacks on how it was none of his fucking business, that he had no right, that he said he wasn’t being nosey, why did he care? But when I saw the expression on his face they all disappeared. Tender curiosity, almost self-conscious, graced his features.  
I was honest. “Yes.”   
He nodded as if this confirmed something and leaned back. Only then did I realise I’d been mirroring his posture, we’d both been leaning toward each other. I pulled myself back and hit my head off the back of the seat.  
“Ow!” I rubbed the tender spot.  
“Are you alright?” Dimitri asks, one of his hands had reached out toward me and it stilled in the air.  
“Tip top, comrade.” I say and giggle.  
“Are you-” I’m sure he was just about to bust me and Dolly but his phone started ringing in his pocket.  
“Standard ringtone comrade, I’m disappointed it isn’t Wild West themed or something.” He casts me a puzzled look before flipping the phone open.  
“Hello?”   
Whoever answered made a smile blossom on his lips. He so rarely smiled…  
“No we’re both fine, let Lissa know. We got held up in traffic and we’ve at a diner so Rose can get some food….I’m not sure… No she’s fine.”  
My eyes narrowed because I knew he was talking to and I didn’t like they were talking about me, the nerve of it. They probably had laughed that Rose was having relationship issues like silly teenagers tend to.   
Assholes.  
I tried signalling Dolly for a refill but she was engrossed with one of the guys.  
“I’ll ask… Rose?” I stopped waving at Dolly and turned to Dimitri, who was regarding me with a weird look on his face. “Tasha’s invited you back to Christian’s.”  
I smiled in what I would say was demure manner but my voice came out cold. “No thank you.”  
He was still watching me when he answered her, “She says no thank you. I’ll leave Rose home and be right back… I’m sure she knows she’s welcome.”  
I couldn’t help the bitter expression that crossed my face. Hang out with the gang and be the fifth wheel? Nooo way. I didn’t exactly want to go home either. I pulled out my own cell as Dimitri was finishing his conversation and fumbled over the buttons, I gave up trying to make the text perfect and send it.   
Adrian’s caller ID flashes up on screen and I press ignore.  
“You should let him know you’re okay.” Dimitri advises, putting his cell phone into his pocket.   
“Worry about your own relationship Comrade.”   
He squints at me and opens his mouth to retort but then stops. I raise an eyebrow. His expression shuts down and he snatches my mug off the table and brings it up to his nose.  
Oh no.  
Abort mission.  
He lowers the mug and his lips are very thin. How odd, thin lips, I like them full… excellent for kissing and other things. They also don’t look so angry.   
“What?” I say dumbly. He just stares at me and I think he might actually explode this time.  
I scramble out of the seat.  
“Can I have the check please Dolly!”   
A hand wraps around my arm and pulls me against Dimitri’s side. He throws a bill down onto the table and pulls me toward the exit. Dolly’s finally paying me attention, about time, I wave at her so she doesn’t worry.   
“Thanks for everything Dolly!” Dimitri is pulling me through the door and I grab the frame, “I think you’re really great!”   
I lose my grip and stumble out after him, tripping on the damn step again. He catches me before my knees hit the tarmac. That would suck.   
“Quit manhandling me!”  
He’s changed dialects again so I don’t have a clue what he’s saying but I bet it isn’t sorry.  
“It’s really rude to talk in a language no one else can understand. Although I know the swear words! Your sister taught me but I think the accent is off-“  
“Shut up, Rose.” He says through his teeth, leading us across the bay to the car.   
“Do not tell me to shut up, you shut up. STOP TALKING IN RUSSIAN.”  
He yanks Tasha’s door open and I’m surprised it doesn’t come free of the car. I tell him as much but he just pushes me inside and closes it.  
The world had taken on a soft look and I feel a little bit detached. Dimitri gets in and tells me to put on my seatbelt.  
“There you go again telling me what to do but I will do it this time or safety reasons. I’m not going home though.”  
“You fucking are.”  
My jaw hit the floor. “Did you just swear at me? In English?”  
“Rose for the love of God please stop talking.”  
“Fine! Drop me off home and I’ll just get a ride somewhere else.”  
“You’re going home and you’re going to sleep this off.”  
“That’s what you think.”


	3. Know it all.

The car swung into the turn we were originally meant to take earlier and the seatbelt’s arm held onto me protectively. I was immediately grateful that he’d put mine on …after I refused to. The aim of the game is to infuriate him after all. Right before Tasha’s call we were almost getting on, it was almost like the ghost of another time when I could talk to him about anything but now he was overreacting and it was pissing me off.

“If you made a turn like that earlier I can assure you that this is like fast and the furious.” I tell him as gravity pushes me back into my seat, my head bumping against the back. “Paul Walker would definitely kick your ass though.” 

I cling to my seat as the world in and out of the car turns askew, I blink a couple of times trying to clear the dizziness. Without anything in my stomach to soak the alcohol up it was running maniac around my system and sitting still was making it worse. 

“Do you know who Paul Walker is? Or is twenty first century pop culture beyond you?” He ignores me. “I guess so.”

Dimitri was concentrating so hard on the road I’m surprised the windshield didn’t melt. Everything about him was rigid, his jaw, his arms and I wondered what would make him snap, properly snap not just splinter like when he swore. The thought was met by thrill and fear, like the moment you face your opponent and it’s a decision between now or never. Silky strands of his dark hair were swept out along his face, over his cheekbone. My fingers itched to reach out and stroke them back. 

They also wanted to slap him… how bi-polar; maybe I could blame that on spirit. I sigh and turn back to the window, everything was a dark blur.

“How ironic would it be if you get us killed just as we’re nearly there? Well it wouldn’t be the first time I died in a car crash.”

He doesn’t say a word but the needle over our speed inches back, unlike his temper which I can feel rising. 

“Oh don’t slow down on my account, I know your dying to get rid of me. Although if we did crash Lissa would be mighty pissed but on the brightside you’d probably get to be her guardian, as long as she didn’t hold any ill feelings, which she probably won’t. You two have this weird bond without side effects.”  
I had word vomit, that’s the only way to put it. I was just spewing out acid tinged words that didn’t make any sense, or rather, they weren’t called for. The problem was I didn’t care.

“Hey at my funeral you should probably play that, Mr. Brightside. Do you know that song? I’ve been coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine-”  
My purse started vibrating on my lap; cutting off my solo which I knew would have finally provoked him. I can’t sing for shit. I fish it out and it tumbles over my fingers and lands on my lap. Ridiculous heat rushes to my cheeks and I glance at Dimitri but he’d pretending I don’t exist. I need to kick this up a gear. My phone vibrates again and I grin when the caller ID flashes who’s demanding my attention.

I am a sexy, mysterious and alluring woman….I hope my voice remembers that as I flip the phone open. “Hello Anton.” 

Anton Vetrov was one of the guardians stationed at the college, not assigned to a particular Moroi but to ensuring the security of the ward boundaries and to campus life. He and I got on well, bantering on our breaks or holding pool tournaments in the guardian staffroom. There was also some light-hearted flirting that was never taking seriously, well not by me anyway. I knew he was interested and being with Adrian didn’t put him off like it would anyone with a decent moral compass or common sense. My mother had also informed me that he and Dimitri weren’t on good terms, the details were vague but all is fair in love and war.

“Interesting text message Hathaway, have you some issues with literacy?”

“It was a code, congrats you cracked it.”

He laughs and I hear other voices in the background, “So tell me, why are you texting me on date night?”

“Date nights over, I’m bored. What are you doing?” 

“The course of young love never runs smooth.” He says cheerily. I bristle prepared to chew him out If he says something about Adrian, it wouldn’t be the first time he felt his comments were valid. But thankfully Anton moves on. “I’m not doing anything terribly exciting. My shift just ended and Castile’s kicking my ass at pool.”

“You’re so predictable. You deserve to have Eddie handing it to you. I’ll put money on him.”

“Respect your elders Shorty!” He says in a mock wounded voice and I grin. “And If I’m so predictable why don’t you show me how to step outside the lines?”

I make my voice lower, “I’m not sure you could handle it.”

“I’m sure I could keep up.” He says, matching my tone. I was at a loss or what to say next, it was a tricky tightrope I was walking. I needed this to be brushed off as our normal banter in Anton’s eyes. Whoops and cheers penetrate the silence and Anton joins in. “Sorry to be the one to tell you Rose, well actually I’m delighted to be the one to tell you as it eases the sting, but Eddie just annihilated your top score. He’s potted every ball in eight moves.”

Eight?! I’d held the record at ten and even that was a flukey miracle. I squash down the competitive hunger that demands I go and challenge Eddie to a game. That could wait. 

“Damn.” I peek across the car. “You know how much I like being on top.” Dimitri’s knuckles bleach white against the wheel. His expressions carved from ice and I’m sure we were close to a fracture.

I’m holding my breath but Anton breaks the silence. “Well maybe you should get over here and claim your spot back.”

“I’ll show you moves you haven’t seen before.” Dimitri yanks the gear shift back and inhales sharply. “I’ll be right over as soon as Guardian Belikov drops me home.”

“Belikov?” Anton repeats, sobering out of flirt mode. “Why are you with him?”

“He’s just giving me a ride back to campus before I get into trouble.” I reply airily.. 

“I can’t work that one out.” He muses, completely missing my suggestive tone. “All this time he’s been blanking you and then twice in one week he’s been all about coming to your rescue, is that a protective mentor thing?”

“What are you talking about?” I ask completely dropping the poly coy.

“He almost made Anderson crap his pants after that Strigoi attack.” Anderson was supposed to be the guardian on perimeter duty with me whilst Lissa was in a royal gathering on campus. He was late to the point we’d agreed to meet at which incidentally had the nomad waiting for me instead. “Belikov marched over and demanded to know why he wasn’t doing his job and that if he ever slipped up again he’d be sorry. As If the guy didn’t feel bad enough, he didn’t need Belikov laying it on him too. Although it could have been more about our numbers, he gets really uptight about the whole strigoi thing doesn’t he?”

Dimitri had confronted Anderson, how didn’t I know about this and more importantly why? The nomad had been a surprise but nothing I couldn’t handle…sure my wrist got busted but that was part of the risk that comes with my job. It was also down to crappy terrain. Fallen branches actually take more credit than the strigoi does….but that doesn’t sound just as badass.

“Rose?”

“Huh?” I snap out of staring at the dashboard.

“How long do you reckon you’ll be? You can win your crown back and we could think of more unpredictable things to do.”

“Er, yeah no problem I’ll ring you when I’m back, we’re nearly at the checkpoint now.”

“See you soon Shorty.”

“Bye Anton.” I put my phone away and look across the car at Dimitri. 

Why had he reacted that way and to Anderson especially who’s a pretty decent guy and who’s apologised to me countless times. One of the worst things we can experience as guardians is failing in our duty. Moroi come first but we have an intense loyalty to each other, an unspoken respect for what we dedicate our lives to and with our race in danger it’s almost as important to look out or each other as is to look after our moroi. It was so obvious how guilty Anderson felt that no one was giving him a hard time over it, not even me who had every right to, so why the hell was Dimitri?

Was Anton right about it being due our race and its dwindling numbers? That Dimitri felt greater anxiety over it because he’s had first-hand experience of what happens to us when Strigoi get too close. Awakening, I used to think, was worse than death but now with a remedy I can’t really say. 

Death is an end, in most cases, but awakening is the start of death. As a strigoi Dimitri was formidable and had killed many but I also know he was not himself... does he know that? I don’t think so; it’s easier to recognise death’s mark on others when you carry it yourself.

Dimitri’s eyes briefly cut to meet mine and it’s like I’ve been busted. “What? Why are you staring at me?” 

“I wasn’t.” I say looking determinedly ahead at the checkpoint where two guardian’s stand by the gate, more would be patrolling the perimeter nearby. 

“Yes, you were.” His tone’s restrained as he slows the car.

“So insecure, Comrade.” He sighs irritably and I smirk. “You could swear at me again if it would make you feel better.”

He shoots me a dark look before finally stopping and rolls down the window or the approaching guardian. He flashes his ID, explains who I am and what we’re doing and then  
we’re waved ahead. 

“You are a terrible drunk.” He suddenly says after a couple of minutes. 

The smugness I’d felt falls through to a fiery pit. “I am a fabulous drunk, your terrible company.” He shakes his head, the patronizing bastard. “Do not sit there and judge me, I might be drunk but what’s your excuse?”

“What are you talking about now?”

“You know what I’m talking about but If you’d rather sit there feeling superior go on ahead.”

“How-” He began and it seemed like words failed him. Frustration does that, anger doesn’t, anger supplies you fully and he needed to get angry. He took another deep breath, damn it. “In no way am I trying to belittle you but I am stating the obvious. You were in a terrible mood and drinking has amplified it and you’re making bad decisions.”

“I was in a great mood and then you showed up and bad decisions make good stories. You’ll probably hear some tomorrow.” He muttered in Russian in response. “You could at least answer me in English or rather, insult me in it.”

“There isn’t a translation for how you’re acting right now.” He says between his teeth.

“How convenient for you.” He makes a sharp right and now we’re on the outskirts of college accommodation, mine and Lissa’s town house was close. “I’ve got a list you can  
choose from, brat, idiot, bitch, asshole, delinquent, childish, slut-”

“Stop it.” He growls.

“Tease, reckless, insubordinate-"

“Enough! Stop it right now Rose.”

“What? You don’t like any of those? I have more.”

“No, just stop talking.”

“I thought you’d want to make the most of our time together seeing it will probably be our last conversation.”

“So this is about us then? You’re trying to provoke me because of how it’s been between us?” 

I freeze, rage icing over. “I, uh, No.”

He goes on and I wished he wouldn’t, wished id kept my mouth shut. “You’re angry with me and we need to talk about it.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m angry with a lot of things right now, not just you.” 

“Well the issue with me is the one thing I can sort out.” Tasha’s car jerks to a stop and I look out at the dark house. God was he actually confronting what we’d been dancing around all night, like a bloody grown up. No I did not want to have this conversation. I did not want to be sat down and told I needed to get over it, how humiliating. 

“Well I’ll see if I can pencil you in for that sometime but right now have somewhere to be, someone to meet, trouble to cause yadda yadda yadda. Thanks for the ride.” I pull the door handle but his hand shoots out and pulls it shut again.

I turn to glare but get completely disarmed by how close he is as he leans across the short space. His dark eyes search my face and my breath gets caught in my throat. “I’m not letting you run away Rose.” 

“But it worked out so well for you.” 

I instantly regret it as he closes his eyes and leans back. “I haven’t been fair. I know. The longer it went on the harder it was to do something about it. I convinced myself it wouldn’t matter even If I did because you seemed so remote and fine with how things were. You were so professional I thought maybe you’d dealt with it, or maybe I wanted to believe you had. I wanted to think it didn’t matter anymore.”

“Aside from it being humiliating to have everyone wonder why you treated me like pariah.” 

“I thought you hadn’t taken much notice of that either. I try not to.” 

“It bothers you?” I ask surprised. 

“Of course it does and the explanation I give didn’t seem to satisfy anyone, not even Tasha.”

“What explanation?” 

“That it was my fault and that’s wouldn’t object to Lissa’s decision to reject me as her guardian.” He says simply staring out at the street. He turns to me “And I had nothing but out most respect for you.”

“Well I can see why nobody bought that.” I say not meeting his gaze. “There’s no evidence of it.”

“But it’s the truth and I’m sorry.”

That was it? He was just sorry. He was just sorry how everyone gossiped over us…that’s it? What about the rest? What about how he made me feel? What about the explanation I was owed to why I it was so easy to leave me behind? What did I do wrong? Or what about a fucking thank you? Is it any wonder that explanation didn’t satisfy anyone when it didn’t even satisfy me? 

Disappointment threatened to drown me. 

“Okay.” I say, my voice sounds hollow. 

“Okay?” he echoes and I muster up the strength to face him. His expression is slightly confused like whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t that. Maybe it was because I was so accepting… but maybe I just needed to let it go. I mean maybe he had already answered all the other questions for me. He didn’t love me anymore.

He didn’t love me.

“Thanks for the ride. Sorry for being a brat.” I get out of the car. The chilled air wraps around me and reinforces how lightheaded and dizzy I was. I hold onto the side of the car to steady myself, pretty sure I could kick off my heels here. I mean I was just outside the house. The sound of another car door opening makes me curse and I force myself to take a couple of steps away.

“Why aren’t you leaving?” I demand beyond exasperated. Dimitri walks around the car and I stumble back another few steps. 

“Are you okay?” He asks looking me over, one hand held out as If to catch me if I suddenly collapse. 

“Fine, now go away.”

“No you’re not, your shaking for Christ sake.”

“Will you cut it out with the swearing? It’s freaking me out.”

He comes toward me again and I step off the curb so the cars angled between us.

He pauses on the sidewalk. “What are you doing?”

“I’m fine so will you just leave already. There it is, there is my house, where you promised Lissa you’d leave me so now go away.”

“Are you going to stand in front of the car as I attempt to do that? Your being ridiculous Rose.”

“Yes we’ve covered that. I am completely ridiculous and selfish and idiotic and bitchy and bratty but I’m home now so it’s not your problem.”

“I am not leaving until I know your safe and inside the house.” He says and the street tilts a little. He darts around the car and takes a hold of my arm, centring me to the ground. 

“And do you really think that’s how I think of you because it’s not, it’s not even how you are.”

“You don’t think I’m selfish?” I ask stupidly trying to clear my fuzzy head.

“No.”

“But bitchy, idiotic and bratty?”

“No and what I meant was I don’t see you as a problem.” 

God, what did I have to do? Hopefully the answer presented itself when I stopped feeling like I was gonna hurl. 

“Have you eaten today?” Dimitri demands letting go of my arm and putting his arm securely around my waist. 

“It’s just the heels.” I retort trying to push him away, him and his stupid good smell that makes me want to press up against his chest. 

“You are a terrible drunk. The first rule, eat first.” He pulls us onto the sidewalk and toward the house. 

“Do you ever get sick of hearing yourself being a know it all?” We’re passing the street light just outside the house and I wrap my free arm around it, causing me to stumble more than Dimitri.

“Rose.” He exhales.

“Nooo, tell me. Do you ever get sick of being a know it all?” 

“Do you ever get sick of being a pain in the ass?” He tries to tug me away but I have a good grip.  
“You said I wasn’t any of those things, liar.”

“Pain in the ass wasn’t on the list, now let go of the lamp post before I throw you over my shoulder again.”  
“I will punch you this time.” But just encase I hook my leg around it to.  
“Rose we’re on campus, knock it off.” He says looking around the street. 

“Just admit you’re a know it all or someone’s going to think I’m a very confused pole dancer.” 

He gives me that look, the one between exasperation and frustration and I raise an eyebrow. He sighs again and shrugs. “I’m a know it all.”

I start giggling and my grasp slips and I know I’m going to be on my ass this time. He catches me under my arms and pulls me up. “Terrible drunk.”

“I could still punch you.” 

“Do that after I make you something to eat with a large glass of water, or three.” 

“You’d be crap under torture just giving up like that, awk jesus more steps?” I couldn’t navigate that one back at diner how the hell was I getting up six to the front door. 

“You’ve handled worse. I have faith in you Hathaway.” He says as he basically does most of the work to get me up them. 

“You do not get to joke with me, rights revoked, and don’t you have somewhere to be? A car to return? A birthday girl to entertain?”

“Keys.” He says holding out his hand, all humour banished.

“I can open my door.” 

I could open my door…after three attempts, typical that all the drink was hitting me now and not an hour ago. The door gives way and I stagger through it. Okay maybe it hitting  
me now was a good thing. “Told you.” 

Dimitri’s watching me from the doorway and I get the feeling he’s trying not to laugh. “I see that.”

“So now you can go. I am in my house, I will get some food, change and everything will be fine.”

He’s through the door before I can slam it. “Forgive me if I don’t have faith in you to do that.”

“Where the hell are your manners?”

He actually manages a small smile. Why the hell was he smiling at me, he wants me to punch him. “Seriously, you can go home now.”

“It won’t take that long and I’ll have a clear conscious.” He says breezily, moving past me to get to the kitchen.

“You’re an unwanted houseguest!” I yell down the hall.

“I’m sure Lissa won’t mind.” he calls back.

I let my head all back and stare at the ceiling, begging the higher forces to stop punishing me. All I wanted was to piss him off and here is making me food, in my house, invading my space, it was maddening! Well I wasn’t giving up, I had months of bottled up aggression and bitchyness brewing away… and I’d make this the outlet so I could let it go. 

Tomorrow I’d wake up cleansed and ready to be the professional everyone thought I was. I just had to make him snap first. 

First thing was first. I kick off the stilettos and adjust my dress, assessing my appearance in the hallway mirror. Legs awesome, butt okay, chest great, hair needs fluffed up a bit, check, no smudges under my eyes, okay. I totally rocked this colour. I was all good to go. Now my feet weren't screaming at me it was easy to get the walking/swaying of hips ratio right. 

Dimitri’s cracking eggs into a mixing bowl and looks up as I enter. His sleeves were rolled up his forearms and I had to admit the whole chef thing was a pretty sexy. He looks at me for a beat too long to be innocent, not when his gaze drops over me before he goes back to his task. “Omelette okay?”

“Yup. Quick and easy, just what I need.” I say padding forward and hopping up to perch on the counter. 

“Starting to feel drowsy?” 

“Nope, just have places to be. You heard.”

He stops whisking. “Right.” He drops the bowl and starts grating cheese onto a plate.

“And so do you. Will Tasha mind you cooking or someone else on her birthday?” I say crossing my legs.

“Why would she mind?” 

“Seems a bit shady is all. You said you weren’t going to be long and yet here you are cooking for me”

“Well I’m not going to be much longer, like you said, quick and easy.” Either I was imaging it are he was being aggressive with that grater. 

“Drink this.” He says handing me a pint of iced water that had been sitting on the opposite counter.

“Yes sir.” I take a sip and once the icy liquid coats my tongue I realise how parched I am. 

Amusement colours his face. “You can definitely drink anyway.”

“You should see how I am on that rocket fuel you easterners call vodka.” He smiles a little and I catch myself before I can do it back. I look down at my glass. “Tasha went with you right? Back to Baia.”

He finishes grating and moves onto chopping tomatoes. “Yes.”

“How was it?” I ask gently, side-tracked by my genuine interest. When I’d been in Russia I’d stayed with his family, we’d grown pretty close except or his crazy grandmother. I’d been treated like a widow at their own kind of funeral for him back when he had been awakened.

He stops chopping and looks up at me, expression soft and if I didn’t have too much bitchy resolve it would make me melt a little. “Good, really good. They didn’t believe I’d been restored, how could they? But once they saw me…” he trails off, eyes far away and small smile on his lips. I can’t help but be happy for him because no matter what everyone deserves to have their family. He deserved that happiness. His eyes flick back to mine and he grins almost sheepishly. “Of course there was a big party; my mother wouldn’t have it any other way. The whole town turned out.”

“All twenty of them?” I grin and he laughs. It takes me by surprise, the sound of his laughter. I’d forgotten how rich it was.  
He pours the egg mix into the pan that’s been warming on the stove. It would almost be easy to pretend this scene belonged in a different context, that we were just a couple doing a simple thing such as having dinner together. 

No such luxuries though. 

“You okay?” He asks and I start. 

“Fine.” I say too sharply. “Stop asking,” 

He looks like he wants to say more but instead he takes my empty glass and refills it. “I was actually supposed to pass a message on. Viktoria says thank you, and that she’s sorry.” I take the glass from him and he tilts his head curiously, obviously showing he had no idea what the message concerned. The last time I’d seen his sister she’s yelled at me for coming between her and a douche. It seems with some hindsight she’s seen I was trying to help. 

“Tell her don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.” He says simply, not inquiring further. “Whatever it was you helped her with though, I’m grateful too.” His gaze holds mine and there’s such sweetness in the chocolate depths, such earnest gratitude that I feel my resolve threatens to crumble away, just like the rest of the room had. I could only see him. My eyes slid down to his lips. Lips that had only passed me advice, orders or suggestions over the past few months…but I could remember when they had delivered sighs over my skin, brushed murmurs over my ear,  
murmurs that usually consisted of one thing…

Roza.

He clears his throat and it’s like a gunshot in the room. He steps away back to the stove and I refrain from slapping myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl. Stop this. I glare at the magnets on the fridge, stupid souvenir ones Lissa and I had collected, mixed in with photographs of us and one of her and Christian… somehow that one made me feel even worse. 

“Here” he says and I swallow the golf ball in my throat before turning back to him. He tilts the omelette onto the plate and holds it out to me. I take it and instead of getting off the counter to retrieve cutlery I lie back on it and reach down to one of the drawers built into the island. When I sit back up Dimitri’s busied himself with putting the used utensils into the dishwasher, back to me. 

My dress has rode up a bit. Oh well.

I stab the eggs with my fork and take a huge bite and suppress the urge to moan. It tasted just as good a cheeseburger would have.

“Sonya had her baby.” Dimitri says, cracking the tense silence that had filtered in through the vents.

“That’s great. Pass on congratulations from me”

“I will. She was worried about not being to go back to work but Tasha helped her set up this day care programme, it’s really quite amazing.”  
“Sure it is. Tasha’s a smart lady.” I stab at the eggs again, the metal scraping nosily at the plate.

“She’s got another three moroi interested in learning self-defence with magic.” 

“Super duper, you’ve got yourself a keeper.”

He spins around and I pause mid-chew. “You keep suggesting things like that.”

I shrug and continue chewing. “Just saying it how it is. She’s great for you, your family love her, and you’ll see her often because you’re assigned to her family. It all worked out for you Comrade, congrats.”

His expression smooth’s over, locking me out. “You have the wrong end of the stick Rose. “

“You’re not a lucky guy? That’s not nice. Even If you don’t feel you are you should always say so.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” He sounds more irritated than he has all night. Huh, commenting on his relationship must be the key, I should have known that. “She’s one of my good friends.”

The food and water were doing wonders in sobering me up. Everything was becoming more acute. I suspect my kick ass hybrid blood had something to do with it too. I concentrate on scooping up the last of my meal and hop off the island. “We both know that she doesn’t see you as ‘just a friend, don’t be an idiot comrade. “

I dump my dish into the sink and look up to find him watching me, jaw tense. What was he thinking? 

“I’m not doing this.” He finally says, pulling his sleeves back down over his tan forearms.

“You got to poke into my love life.” 

“Because I thought I was helping!” He fires back, throwing down the dish cloth he’s been using to wipe down the counter. 

“I am helping! I’m helping you not to be an idiot. Your jobs great so shack up with Tasha and everything is perfect.”

He shakes his head slightly, repulsed by my words… or me. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do but it’s callous and I’m not having any part in it.” He shoulders past me and I follow him out to the hall. 

“Oh I’m callous! All I’m trying to do is be a friend! Maybe you don’t realise that because you don’t have a lot of those or maybe you’ve just forgotten how I can be.”

He whirls around “Are we back to this again!? Rose I’ve apologised. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me because it would make working together a hell of lot easier but if you can’t then I understand.”

I stare at him for a moment. “For a smart guy you really are an idiot and that makes it hurt just that little bit more.”

“What? What is that supposed to mean?” 

“You can leave now. I’m fed and watered, your jobs done but now I have to get going, I have someone waiting on me.”

His dark eyes flash. “Anton Vetrov? And you have the nerve to call me an idiot?”

“Keep out of my love life.” I say sweetly and stalk into the living room.

“Love life?!” He half-shouts following me. “You told me not an hour ago you loved Adrian, who I think you should at least tell your home and not lying in a ditch somewhere.”

“No it’s usually Adrian lying in the ditch or on the floor, under the dining room table or I get a call from some pissed off Texas gamblers who tell me they’re going throw him off a bridge.” 

“So you’re giving him a taste of his own medicine? That borders on being a hypocrite and maybe a little childish.”

“Yeah well, the all high and mighty position has already been filled out by someone.”

“You think I have it easy?” He demands, outrage blossoming his tone. “You have no idea what these past few months have meant for me.”

“WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?” 

He makes a frustrated groan and pinches the bridge of his nose. The self-control was well and truly splintering now but I didn’t care. I’d rather he just left. He takes a deep breath and looks back up at me, clearly trying to make the effort. It was in vain though. “We’re going around in circles. I'm sorry Rose. I am and If things are going to change between us you need to meet me halfway. It’s the only way we’re going to be friends.”

Friends? I almost wanted to laugh. 

“You don’t seem to like it too much when I give you some friendly advice so I’m not sure it’s going to work.”

“Try keeping it to yourself then.” 

“Same goes to you.”

“You told me you love him! It’s different, and you’re going to what? Go mess around with Vetrov and ruin everything?” He challenges, holding up his hands in bewilderment like it’s the most ridiculous and vile thing he’s ever heard.

I take a deep breath and fold my arms. “I said I loved him. I didn't say I was in love with him.”

“Well you could at least tell him that.” He says simply but his gaze is hard. 

My eyes narrow. “I will. And you should stop leading Tasha on.”

 

“Don’t.” he says sharply. “Talk about things you don’t understand.”

“I understand that Lissa and Christian think something’s going on. I understand that so do most of our colleagues. Are you saying Tasha doesn’t hope there is? A lot of blurred lines here Comrade.”

“I thought you were smarter than to go of hearsay and rumours, you of all people know how wrong they are.”

I press my lips together and try and make my voice steady. “I saw you together. I saw you kiss her.”

I’d wanted him to look confused and to tell me I was wrong. That her hands had slid up his chest and onto his cheeks pulling him down to her. That she’d kissed him. Just like I’d seen her do and not the other way around but I also knew him. He wouldn’t shift that technicality onto her as a fault because he wasn’t that petty. I wished he were. I wished he would fight me on this because that’s what I wanted so badly, a fight. 

Dimitri was always ready for one so why was he looking at me like this, like I’d disarmed him.

“So go on.” I demand, my voice lilting into something dangerously resembling pain. “Tell me nothing is going on. Tell me I have got it wrong, that when it comes to romance Rose is suddenly inept. “

“It’s not… It wasn’t…” he’s trying to grasp words and that just makes it worse.

“It’s none of my business right?” I regain control, latching onto the anger. “Like me and Adrian or me and Anton are not yours! Like me sleeping with anybody is not your business.”

“You have it wrong Rose. You have no idea.” He says tiredly, running a hand through his hair. He sits down on an arm of one of our leather sofas. I stand rigidly on my side of the coffee table, keeping it as a barrier between us. 

“Then enlighten me.” 

“I don’t know how. I’m not sure it matters anymore.” He says more to himself than to me. 

A tirade of ugly emotion rushes up my throat and my eyes blur. I clench my teeth and look upward to a point on the ceiling. I would not cry. I would not let him see me cry. I scrabble around for the anger, almost begging for spirit to make an appearance and make me act like a crazed harpy. That at least could be justified, wrote off and forgotten but if I cried I’d never be able to look at him again knowing he’d seen me break. 

Seen me break over him telling me it didn’t matter because it really meant an end…the end of us. 

I pictured him going home to her. I pictured her kissing him again and smiling sympathetically when he told her a watered down version of tonight. Then they’d put it all aside and become wrapped up in each other and I’d be just something that had happened that night but it wasn’t that important. I pictured them undressed each other in a cabin deep in the woods, a secret only they knew.

Rage came quickly.

“Whatever. It has nothing to do with me. I want nothing to do with it. Just like you have nothing to do with my decisions, what I do or who I see.” I march out to the hall and take some deep breaths. I yank the cupboard under our stairs open. I grab a pair of Lissa’s boots because there’s no way I can face my stilettos and I’m sure this combo would work, well, it work for walking around the block anyway. I needed to keep moving so the anger had something to eat. 

“Rose.” He’s followed me and I ignore the tingle that runs up my spine. I ignore how my name prompts a question and simultaneously it demands an answer. I’m through giving him responses he doesn’t deserve. He is not my mentor, my lover, not even my friend. 

I shove the boots onto my feet and slam the door, the bang sounds through the house. 

“Where are you going?” he asks even though he has an answer in mind. It’s the reason why his voice is as thin and tight as wire. 

“Out.”

“Out where?” 

“None of your fucking business.” I stomp my foot into the shoe giving me difficulty and it slides into place. I stand and whirl, heading for the front door. 

He grasps my arm and pulls me back. “You’re in no shape to go anywhere by yourself.” His grip is tight, serious but not uncomfortable. I glare at his fingers before challenging his gaze. It was a really good thing I was angry or I would notice how close he was, how rich his dark eyes were and how it would make me hesitate.

Don’t hesitate.

“Your point is invalid. Let go.” My voice is low, barely contained.

“I’m the responsible adult here, not to mention colleague. I will not tolerate a valued guardian disgrace themselves and their moroi by trivial means.”

“I am fully capable of making my own decisions and dealing with the consequences.” I try wrenching my arm away but he doesn’t give and it only serves to bring our bodies closer together.

“Think Rose.” He growls.

I was thinking. I was thinking I needed to get away from here and running back to the city wouldn’t be far enough. I was thinking I needed to do some laps. I needed away from him and the thrill of his touch and how it made me want to break something. I had no intention in going to Anton despite what I’d said earlier, despite what I was letting Dimitri believe. I was thinking I would never be that stupid. 

His eyes search mine for an understanding and his voice is like strained velvet. “You’re smarter than this and you have more self-respect.”

I shove him away, the sheer force takes him by surprise and the hand that held me braces against the wall. “Self-respect? Self-respect has everything to do with how I view myself and nothing to do with you or anybody else! Don’t put your own insecurities on me! Go and deal with your own shit. Go set Tasha straight like I plan to do with Adrian because it’s what they deserve. That’s the right thing to do!” 

He straightens up from the wall, a muscle in his jaw ticks. “Doesn’t Adrian deserve to know the truth before you involve yourself with another guy?” 

A dark smirk pushes its way on to my lips. “Probably but Anton’s closer.” 

I said it really offhandedly like betraying Adrian in such a way could be so easy. It sparks rage in his eyes and I take a step back, reaching behind me for the door handle. If Dimitri knew anything about me he knew how loyal I was, how I would never deliberately hurt someone I cared about if I could help it. Implying I’d betray my own virtues as well as someone I loved enraged him. 

Good.

“I’m not letting you walk out that door.”

I manage a short laugh. “Like you have any say in the matter, as if your opinion matters at all.” I turn the handle behind me and it opens. He’s in motion, closing the short distance between us like I anticipated and I’m yelling at him. He stops in surprise right in front of me. “You can’t keep me here! I am not your little novice to protect or train and if I want to involve myself with Anton then I will. Hell, if I want to sleep around...” I raise my free hand and aim one finger at his chest, punctuating each word. I imagined it was like poking a bomb that may or may not be active. “There is not a single thing you can do.” 

There’s a loud thud as the hand I’d been using to poke him hits a spot on the door above my head. My body weight being pushed back on the door makes a louder bang as it’s sealed back into the frame. 

Dimitri’s taking deep and heavy breaths. The rise and fall of his chest and shoulders are the only thing I can focus on as the rest of me is trapped between the door and his body. His hair has fallen forward, framing his face and drawing more attention to his eyes, dark and magnetic. They paralyse me more than his grip does. My memory flicks back to a training session before Christmas when I’d provoked him and we’d ended up in a similar position. Involuntarily my gaze drops from his eyes to his lips and my own part. The only light is coming from the living room further up the hall and it filters in weakly, not reaching us. It’s just us alone in the dim light and it’s funny that lack of luminosity can make something feel private, like it will never exist outside of the dark. 

It’s so tense breathing feels like a violation. 

“Don’t.” he finally breathes.

He could mean a thousand things.

I wriggle my wrist and he immediately removes his hand. I slide away from him and half run back up the hall into the well-lit living room. Jesus I feel like I just experienced an earthquake, I’m completely rattled to the core. 

Breathe.

Get a grip.

Is there any of Christian’s whiskey left?

I run a hand through my hair and pull it over my shoulder. His light footsteps rest on the edge of the room and I turn to him. “I deserve a reason.”

“What for?” his voice is calmer but his expression radiates how delicate his control is. 

“Why I get the third degree over Adrian and you can’t even explain what’s going on with you. It’s only fair.”

He was under no obligation to tell me anything. On paper everything about tonight would be in his favour but I hoped he would just this once let be us again….not Gaurdian Belikov and Guardian Hathaway but Rose and Dimitri. Two people who’d had a history of caring for each other, just for tonight and then tomorrow we could go back to ignoring one and other again. It would feel like ripping open a barely healed wound but I could do it. Guardians were built to endure. 

He regarded me wearily and I fight to keep my ace composed. The anger has retreated and I’m scared of my expression betraying me. I did not want to look pleading.

“You’re right.” He says. “You deserve the truth.”


	4. Logic.

I remember a teacher once asking the class if we knew what the longest travelled distance on earth was. I can’t remember the answer (Mason was distracting me with his very graphic drawing of Kirova with her underwear on fire. His way of avenging a detention I’d received.), but even if I could I’d have to cross it out as wrong. The longest distance on earth stretched between where I stood and where Dimitri did.

The weight of Texas had decided to set up camp on my chest. My ribcage was doing its best to balance it and protect my heart.

He watches me warily from the entry and I suppose I was watching him the same way. He steps into the room and my foot slides back an inch.  To think just a moment ago I’d had the outline of him pressed up against me. Felt the heat radiating of his skin. Inhaled the smell of fabric softener laced with something that was just him, something masculine and delicious. His chest had been against mine, his heart thumping loudly as I it was personally trying to reach me. The look in his eyes was a different anger compared to that colouring his words. I didn’t trust myself to identify it. It might have held the properties of being reckless, protective and possessive. It might have been jealousy.

That thrilled me.

He thrilled me.

I beat the thoughts viciously away and focus on Dimitri, who was sitting back down on our couch.  He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped between them.  He looks up at me from under his eyelashes, “Are you going to sit down?”

I shake my head. I couldn’t sit down even if I wanted to. There was a road block between my mind and body.

He looks away, thoughts casting out somewhere else and I hoped he’d reel in some answers. Minutes drag by and he takes a deep breath. My heart stutters and I cross my arms.

“You want to know the truth about Tasha and I?” he says quietly, peering back up at me.

_Do I?_

Do I really want to know? Do I really want to hear what could be the worst case scenario in regards to my own heart and did I want to bring it on myself? Yes. Of course I did. Just call me Mary Masochist.  I could always comfort myself with the knowledge I’d buried the ‘what ifs’. I’d know how level the ground was. I’d have closure.  Worst case scenario he was about strip my heart raw but then again, what use would it be anyway when the person who took up a lot of room in it didn’t want it.

The tin man had it all wrong. He was better off before he asked for one.

I nod.

“As you know, Tasha and I have a history.” He begins and then inhales deeply. He straightens up and continues. “Mostly a history of friendship. There have been a few occasions where it’s been suggested we could be more, you know that too and you know why I declined.”

“Because you loved me.”  I had to say it once, I couldn’t help it. I had to have it acknowledged that there was a time we had been in love and it wasn’t just something I’d concocted or exaggerated in my own head.

He looks directly at me, eyes revealing nothing but his voice is soft. “Yes.”

I nod to myself. The confirmation took off some of the weight, just slightly. I could hold onto that answer, it would stop me going crazy over second guessing. He had loved me.

“If she knew why I’d turned her down she never said so but I suspected she did. She’s smart, intuitive so I guess she was respecting my choice even if she didn’t understand. Then everything changed…. I was so lost when I was restored. You can’t understand Rose.”  His voice drops to a whisper towards the end and his eyes are far away again. Seeing horrors of the past. I shifted uneasily and the movement brought him back to the room. He talks again, strong and quiet.  “I can’t properly explain how I felt. The guilt was oppressive, it was there constantly filling me up and threatening to crush me. Sometimes I wanted to let it. Sometimes I just wanted to end it. It’s what I deserve after the things I’d done…the things I had done to you.” He trails off again, his words coloured with anguish. I want to argue, I wanted to go to him.

He stands up abruptly and walks around the back of the couch to the window overlooking the street.  With his back to me I can’t read his expressions anymore. I can, however, read the grief in his voice. “Slowly the guilt got easier to work around. I was able to feel the small pleasures of things again… sunlight on my skin, a joke, just…little things.  Tasha helped me focus; made sure I kept busy and made me fight to get my life back, my career. Lissa played a huge part there too, convincing the community to accept me. I’ll never be able to repay her. She is a truly wonderful person, Tasha also. She fought her way in when I shut everyone out, wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s more than I deserve.”

His words had made me ache and now they stung. Tasha had fought for him? Tasha was a champion of his salvation and to an extent Lissa was to? But me? Did I not fight hard enough, did I give up too soon?  

I had trusted him absolutely and I trusted him when he told me to leave him alone. I trusted the abandonment his actions screamed at me every day.  How he would look at me without really seeing me.  I trusted I meant nothing and if anything I was like a splinter that wouldn’t unlodge myself from his life. 

I warp my arms around myself.

“Somewhere along the line Tasha thought a relationship between us was possible again. Honestly, I can’t say I wasn’t aware of the shift, I just choose not to acknowledge it. I had a lot on my mind.” He continues and the weight on my chest is unsteady.

“It was after dinner one night when she brought up the ski lodge again, what happened between us and she asked me if there was the slightest chance I could feel something for her, something we could build upon. I was honest when I told her I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know if I could ever love anyone again especially not how she deserved to be. Of course she argued with me. She said I was a good man, I always would be.  She asked me to think about it. Then last week she met me after my shift and asked me if I’d come to any decision. I hadn’t and you would think my indecision would be enough reason for her to give up. Having someone be undecided about their affection for you isn’t becoming of them, it’s rather horrible and immoral. I should be alone.”

He sighs and turns around. I stare at a piece of lint on the wooden floor. “She said she believed in me and that I was worth waiting for. All she asked I would do is try.”

“And then she kissed you.” I whisper.

I raise my heavy gaze to his. He doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t correct me. He just says. “I owe her enough to try.”

“You make it sound like a debt”

“It is a debt. She’s helped me rebuild my life. At the very least I can try and make her happy.”

“She’s done those things because she loves you! Because you should do it anyway when you love someone not so they can owe you it back! That is not unconditional love, that is not how it works Dimitri.”

He looks away. “You don’t understand Rose.”

“No you don’t understand! How have you gotten so stupid? This isn’t bill you need to collect. This is your life and hers. Do you really think that’s how she wants you to feel about your relationship? THAT YOU OWED HER ONE?”

 He raises an eyebrow and says in (what my deluded mind thinks is) awe. “You sound like my mother.”  He watches me for a few moments, his gaze warm but then his blinks and shuts me out again. “You asked me for an explanation. You got one.”

It was pissed me off he could make a warm comment so fleeting and then turn ice cold. Well so could I.  That’s most suck ass, ridiculous piece of crap I’ve ever heard.”

“You’re still the most expressive person I know, such creativity with language.” He says snidely.

“Shut up! Your giving me shit about ending it with Adrian when it’s the honest thing to do. I don’t love him and just because he helped put me back together after you shattered me doesn’t mean I owe him. If anything I owe him the truth and the truth is I cannot love him the way he deserves it! You’re trying to force something. If you don’t love her now you never will.”

“You can learn to love someone.” He says without much conviction. “I’ve seen it. “

“Well that sounds terrible romantic, I wish you both all the best.”

“You wanted an explanation.” He repeats and my hands curl into fists. “I’m sorry it wasn’t a fairy tale.”

“You can leave now. Go home to Tasha, start building. ”

“If I leave are you going to stay here?”

You could bet I was. I was going to find that whiskey, curl up in my room and cry. I was going to purge him out of my system but for some reason I say, “Maybe.”

He straightens up to his full height. A storm brewing in his eyes. “You’re bluffing. It’s not in your character.”

“Maybe, maybe not. You see I made this deal with myself that tonight I would do what I wanted. Who I wanted.”

“And you call me a hypocrite.” He hisses.

“Didn’t I make it clear that the deal I made with myself was a selfish one?” I smile.

I’d gone back to acting like a Class A bitchy brat but sometimes it’s the only way to protect yourself or yano, not start crying.

He studies my face. “No, you’re bluffing but I wouldn’t put it past you to go to him just to spite me.”

“Jesus Christ for all your painful modesty about Tasha’s love your awfully big headed about how I regard you.”

“I can read you. It’s just that simple.” He says coldly.

“Well in amidst of your mid-life crisis I’m glad my characteristics are one thing engrained into your mind. Now get out of my house and let me salvage the rest of my night.”

“Fine.” He says simply and in three long strides he’s at the door. I’m blindsided by the weight leaving my chest and crashing through to my stomach.

“Why the hell does it matter to you so much anyway?” I blurt.

He twists to look at me over his shoulder. “Adrian doesn’t deserve it.”

“Adrian will get over it.” I’m not sure that was entirely true but it didn’t matter, it was lie we were acting out, smoke-screening something else. He knew I was bluffing and yet he still played along.

He turns around and he sounds almost beseeching.  “Can nothing be salvaged between you and Adrian? Can you not try?”

I throw up my hands. “I can’t love him back the way he loves me and it’s unfair to let it go on. We both deserve more. It’s all about balance, he doesn’t balance me and he might think so but I’m not best for him either. He tries…but he tries to impress me and other people, he doesn’t do it for himself. A relationship shouldn’t be needs to be best for both. I love him and I’m letting him go.”

“But not like that Rose.” He says quietly. “You don’t know what it’s like to love you. To have a heart broken by you would be excruciating. Don’t do that to him.”  My eyebrows crease and he carries on, mistaking that my confusion is over the last part of what he’s said. My puzzlement gives way to irritation due to his tone. “Oh come on Rose, know who you’re sleeping with. Anton will have told the entire campus if not the country before you wake up.”

My cheeks flare. “Only if he wanted to live the rest of his life in a wheelchair.”

He treads a couple of steps back into the room. “Don’t be naïve to the type of man he is. He has no respect for women. Do you think he’ll care about your wrath?  He’ll welcome it. It would be the ultimate prize.” I can’t look at him anymore and move over to the spot he’d vacated. A group of Moroi girls were passing the house, laughing loudly, starting their weekend.  Their laughter struck a dark chord plagued by memories of gossip and humiliation. I could imagine them talking about me. The respected Spirit user’s guardian slutting around campus. God, it’s like I never left high school. 

“He’s an idiot, for the lack of a stronger word.”  Dimitri continues but he had it wrong. I was the idiot.  This whole night just proved it and I had nothing left to lose so I through down my last pathetic card.

“Not that much of an idiot. He hasn’t breathed a word so far.”

It was deadly quiet.

“You’re lying.”

Yeah, I was.

“You wouldn’t do that, you are not like that and I cannot understand why you’re making yourself out to be that kind of person!”

Because it made him stay and because it was annoying him.

His heavy footsteps come deeper into the room. “No Rose, if you’d been that stupid everyone would know, in sordid detail. Your father would have heard and would personally come to annihilate him.”

That earns him a curt laugh. “Abe couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag, even with directions and a flame thrower.” I pull the cord of our blinds and block out the world.

“Not that he’d get the chance.” He goes on ignoring my comic genius. “He’d be dead already.”

I turn around and find him bracing two hands on the back of the couch where I’d previously stood. It was like we were circling each other before the attack.  “Why would Abe be dead?”

“Anton.” He corrects.

“I doubt I’d kill him, just torment him and ruin his career.” I say smoothing down my dress. It really was pretty. What a waste.

“I’d kill him.” He says flatly. My head jerks up in surprise. Surely I hadn’t heard that right. I search his face looking for a trace of humour but it’s coated in apathy. 

“Why?” I whisper.

His jaw clenches. “I didn’t mean it lightly when I said he has no respect for women. I’ve seen some the darkest parts of this world, lived them and he repulses me. The things I’ve heard him say and the women I’ve seen him hurt… I wouldn’t stand by and let it happen to you.”  
  
 _Why why why why why **why**?_

The question’s tipping out of my lips when he speaks.

“You’re an incredible guardian and Lissa needs you. I wouldn’t have either of you humiliated by such a low life.”

Back to Lissa, always back to Lissa. My shoulders drop, the weight on my chest disintegrates like its being corroded by radioactivity. It left me numb.

His reasons always came back to protecting others, Lissa, Adrian, but it was never just about me.

I looked at him utterly defeated.  I memorized his form trying to commit it to memory because after tonight I was never going to see him again. I didn’t mean literally, that was ridiculous, I meant I would look and I would not see. I wouldn’t see his sturdy shoulders and the strength in the way he held himself. I wouldn’t see or notice the contours of chest and arms, how they were sculpted and curved to yield to the muscle under his skin. I wouldn’t see his sun-kissed complexion and how gorgeous it was. I would not see his cheekbones, jaw or magnetic gaze that noticed everything and gave away nothing. I wouldn’t see their rich colour and come undone.  I would not see his hair and remember how it felt between my fingers. I wouldn’t see his lips and remember how they felt on mine. How they felt on my neck, my cheek, my chest…

I would look when I couldn’t avoid it but I would not see him, just like he didn’t see me. This was the end of the road. One I thought would be longer. One I hoped would be never ending.  But it was done. I was done.

“Thank you.” My voice is hollow. The space between his eyebrows crease and he cocks his head like he’s misheard.  “You’re right, I was lying. You have nothing to worry about. I’ll stay here.”

“Is this a trick?”

I shake my head and come around to sit on the couch. I kick off Lissa’s boots.

“Are you going to speak to Adrian?”

“Not tonight.”

“If I run into him, if he’s at Christian’s I don’t know if I can lie to him.”

“No one’s asking you to lie to him.”

“I couldn’t easily stand by him knowing something that’s going to hurt him.”

_You don’t know what it’s like to love you. To have a heart broken by you would be excruciating_

I stare at a water mark on the surface of the coffee table.  “I know what heartbreaks like, believe me, you get through it.”

I hear him move out from behind the other couch and sit down opposite. I should really wipe the glass down. Lissa hates marks on the table. I’d probably done it earlier without realising.

“Roza.”

I close my eyes and scrape together the last bits of strength I have. I meet his gaze. He’s leaning forward, elbows on his knees, watching me in such a way that makes me want to crawl into his lap and curl up there forever.

“Tasha’s right you know. You are a good man and you deserve to be happy. You should build a life with her, if that’s what you want. Children, a career, wife, a family… you deserve it all Dimitri. I mean it.”

His expression is completely open for once, surprised and maybe a little overwhelmed. Tenderness was softening his face again and I look back down at the stain. I would not see.

“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you Roza. I’m sorry I shattered you. I’m so sorry.”

I will not cry.

“Like I said, you get over it.”

The longest distance measured the width of a coffee table.

He clears his throat after a few moments and sounds nervous. “Is there any way, maybe not right now, but is there any way for us to be friends?”

The word stuck to my tongue. It didn’t want to leave. It was so heavy and yet it carried on a breath. “No.”

“I understand.” His words sound broken too. I lift my gaze to see he found his own too heavy to hold.  He opens his eyes and I’m overwhelmed by the pain I see in his. “What I’ve done, I’ll always carry it Roza. It will be the biggest regret I’ll ever bear.  You are an outstanding person.”

“Why do you think I can’t be your friend Dimitri?”

He looks like I’m twisting the knife. It’s a knife I suspect has been misplaced, that he has my reasons wrong. He swallows. “Because of what I’ve done. How I hurt you in Russia, how I treated you when I was restored. How I never thanked you and let gossip run wild about us…I was a coward not to face you but the guilt was so powerful I’d flinch every time I thought about you, which was often. I should have been stronger.  You just seemed so happy with Adrian. I thought he was good for you. I thought you had someone deserving of you making you happy and I didn’t want to disturb it. You showed such loyalty tracking me across Siberia, leaving Lissa behind to find me, to save my soul and I took all that and threw it away like it was meaningless. It wasn’t Rose, it was everything. You even told me you could still love me back in that cell at court, you found it still possible…the guilt and then the love in your eyes was so overpowering.” He bows his head and takes a deep breath. He looks back up.

“Guilt won. That’s the regret I’ll always carry. That I let the person I admire most down. I hurt you when before I would cut down anyone who threatened to do that. I betrayed every quality you loved me for Roza. That’s why you can’t be my friend and its okay. It’s okay because it’s fitting.  It’s the best punishment I could have been given to atone for everything.”

A tickle slides over the back of my hand and I realise my face is wet. “You think I can’t be your friend because I can’t forgive you?”

The anguish has spread all over his face now. Weighing it down and proving my heart can bear a lot more pain even when I think it’s had enough. 

I clear my throat and wipe my cheeks. “You’re wrong. I can forgive you for that. The strigoi stuff I already have. It wasn’t you, you weren’t who you were before and you weren’t the person in front of me now. You’ve talked about Tasha and owing her but you haven’t said what you want. What would make you happy? This is your life, your happiness matters to. ”

“Does it?” he smiles icily. “I get to live happily when I made sure so many never would? Destroying families, snatching loved ones, being an embodiment of evil on this earth and yet my happiness matters?”

“Yes!” I move forward to the edge of the cushion. “Let it go.

“How can you say that? How can you say that after what I did to you?”

“Because I know it wasn’t you!” I shriek and he jerks his head back. “You’re not standing here in front of me with the same thoughts, the same apathy and indifference for life, for others’ lives. I mean… you still don’t want to kill me do you?”

“No.” he snaps looking enraged.

“It’s not the same. I forgave you a long time ago, forgive yourself. ” He looks unconvinced. “Let yourself have happiness. If Tasha can make you happy then be with her.”

He lets out a false laugh. “Happiness… I should be more than happy. I got my second chance.  I have my career, I have my family and I have people who have stood by me. Even if I haven’t showed some of those people the gratitude they deserve. I get a second chance at living with honour and protecting the Princess. I’m grateful, so grateful but happy? No. And it’s so unbelievable selfish it leaves me astonished and disgusted. ”

“What would make you happy?”

Pain is vibrant in his eyes and he smiles weakly.  “I can’t have it. You told me it’s impossible.”

“Dimitri.” I whisper. “I can’t be your friend because friends share what’s important to them with each other. I’m not a big enough person to listen to you tell me about how you’ve fallen in love again or how many kids you wanna have with her.  And yeah, I’ll be happy for you because you deserve it. You’re the best man I’ll ever know.” My voice breaks and I take shaky breath. “But I can’t be your friend and watch you love someone else when I love you.”


	5. Chapter 5

The silence is so heavy and oppressing it makes me want to run from the room. Problem being I wouldn’t be able to see where I was going, I was blinded by tears and all I could think about is how they are such traitors. I wish I’d held onto the anger, screamed, yelled and thrown something at him. Anything but this, anything but deafening silence and my head weighed down by humiliation and salt water.

I didn’t want to be in my own skin anymore, my own head.

“Rose.” He says softly.

An involuntary sob breaks through my lips and I raise my hands to my face. Protecting myself from his eyes and stopping me from crumbling completely. 

“Roza please.” His fingers brush against my wrists and I pull away.

“Don’t please, don’t.”

“Look at me, Roza look at me.”

I am so pathetic.

“No you aren’t Rose. Please look at me.”  He’s captured my wrists and pulled them away.  He takes them in one hand and pushes away my hair that had been acting as protective veil. I refuse to turn and look at him. The hand that isn’t holding my wrists wipes my cheeks. His knuckles across my cheek bones, his thumb under my bottom lip and every touch I shy away from.

Because I craved it.

“I’m sorry I’m just drunk, I’m alright I-you can go, please go away.”

“Oh Roza.” He says, pulling my name across velvet and silk.

“Stop saying that.” I shriek and try to jerk away from his reach but he’s inescapable.

“Look at me.” He orders.

“No.”

He sighs and his fingertips wipe away stray tears and it’s like he means to make it worse. “You are not pathetic. You are incredible and brave and loyal and brilliant and sarcastic and stubborn and beautiful and a million things but you are not pathetic.”

I pull on my restraints again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you, that I’m still hurting you. I hate myself for it and I hate I can’t be who you need and we can’t have what we did. I wish I could give you everything you want, I wish for things to be different every moment of the day but they’re not and I hate it. I am not what you deserve Roza, you deserve so, so much and I can’t give it to you.”

 “Please stop it…please stop apologising for not being able to love me.” The last word catches and breaks in my mouth and I bow my head as my ribs collapse in on my heart. He releases my wrists and I move to cover my face but his hands get there first, cradling it between his palms. My fingers curl around his wrists.  I could feel the roughness at the tops of his palms against my cheeks, calloused from handling weapons and training, and where the skin changed, where it became smooth and warm. 

“No Roza, no.” He says so fierce and defiantly that I look up. I’m caught off guard by his expression or maybe of how close he was, I could see the individual lashes that framed his eyes. Those eyes were trained on me with so much emotion blazing within them that I stopped sobbing.  A stray slid out from the corner of my eye and he caught it with his thumb. “That’s not why I’m apologising, never.” Gone is the stoic mask that had been all I’d known for months. His eyebrows are drawn, face pained and gaze candid as it held mine. “I will always love you.”

My heart stops. Everything stops. “What?”

“How could I not… things I learned to enjoy again I learned by you. How the sunlight caught your hair or how you laughed at your own jokes.  I have never not loved you, only been scared and shamed to.”

I might have actually gone insane.

“But you – you said you couldn’t at court, love fades and you said, I, you said you couldn’t love someone again and… I don’t understand.”

His fingertips curl in, caressing my cheeks and jaw, his eyes wandering over my face until they meet mine. “I lied. At Court I lied.  I was too overwhelmed, the guilt was so much it felt like it was literally hanging around my neck and waiting to string me up.  How did I deserve to have this amazing woman? I couldn’t learn to be in love someone else or find it again because of you, it will always be you.”

My hands drop from his wrists, completely limp.

My mind has stopped being able to process information.

He takes a deep breath, never breaking eye contact. “I’m apologising because I cannot be what you need. I’m not who you think I am Roza, not anymore. I’m not the same as before… I’m ruined. I’m not the person you fell in love with.”

“What are you saying?” I ask quietly.

“You’re in love with who I was before, before I turned, and once you realize that you’ll be free from it. You’ll let me go.”

My mind is working very fast. “You think…Your telling me what I feel is wrong? That I’m under some delusion?”

He frowns. “I wouldn’t quite put it that way but yes-“

I punch him so hard he falls sideways off the coffee table he’s been sitting on.  There’s such a rushing in my ears that it takes a few seconds to realize that I’m on my feet and screaming at him. He looks up at me from the floor in a mixture of shock and what I hope for is fear. He better fear me, he better be scared for his life because I right now I could put his head through the table.

“YOU IDIOT. YOU ABSOLUTE STUPID FUCKING BASTARD. ALL THIS TIME YOU’VE LOVED ME AND TREATED ME LIKE THIS? LIKE I DIDN’T MATTER? LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST AND YET YOU LOVED ME?  YOU STUPID IDIOT. YOU STUPID RUSSIAN ASSHOLE.  YOU’RE TELLING ME HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL AND THAT I’M THE IDIOT? THAT I’M UNDER SOME MISCONCEPTION? FUCK YOU! HOW DARE YOU AND ADRAIN, YOU SHOVING ME TOWARDS ADRAIN? HOW TWISTED IS THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

My rant cuts off involuntarily as my lungs demand oxygen. My chest heaves and my fists shake at my sides and all the while he’s just lying on the floor looking at me in astonishment. All those times I tried to tackle him and not once could I catch him unaware, not even once would he even let me win.

He better start talking. He better start explaining this to me or I was going to kill him.

“I-”

“DON’T SPEAK TO ME.” And I proceed to call him that list of names I said I’d been working on.  When I run out of adjectives I turn away from him and try to collect myself. I run my hands through my hair and clasp them both at the nape of my neck and try to breathe.  I hear him start to get up and fire rages in my blood. I may actually hurt him properly.

If I could even look at him.

I storm out of the living room, ignoring his calls and start running when I hear him come after me.  I run through the kitchen and into the back hall, ducking into the down stairs bathroom. I slam the door behind me, pressing my weight onto it until I slide the blot across and secure it. My hands are shaking against the white polished wood… I feel like putting my fist through it.

I push away from the door and begin pacing. I’m so angry I could smash the tiles under me, the marble counter, the mirror above it and the window. I could pull the shower to pieces and strangle him with it.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. He was going to be Tasha’s stand in when he loved me? How twisted, how fucking wrong.  He was going to kiss her and sleep with her and make her happy when he loved me? He’d rather see me with someone else than with him? How messed up was that.

_I didn’t understand._

I clutch my hair and try to concentrate on things that won’t make me combust. Like the coldness and texture of the tiles under my feet.

_He loved me and still didn’t want me._

“Rose?”

I’d been in mid stride toward the door in my circuit when his low voice carried through.  Without thinking I kick it and pain flashes through my foot. My mouth drops open but no sound comes out and before it can I shove my fist between my teeth.

I reach out for the door and slide down to the ground in a heap, clutching my foot in my hands.  This was all his fault, all his stupid bastarding fault. His stupid _reasons_ and now he’s broken my foot.

“Roza are you okay?”

“No I’m not fucking okay!” I shriek and then clamp my mouth shut.  My whole body was a volcano due for eruption. Every time he looked through me, every time he didn’t acknowledge when I spoke I’d stuffed down how it made me feel and all this time… all this time… “I don’t believe you.” It bursts from my lips into Lissa’s pristine decorated bathroom. 

Why couldn’t I just stay quiet?  My head falls back against the door, more stupid tears sliding down my face whilst the only sound was my erratic breathing.  I massage my foot and clench my teeth as pain rolls under my skin.

_Get yourself under control, get this under control. You are not weak._

I hear him turn the handle and I smack the door with my fist. The side of my hand burns like skin does when it’s been slapped. Physical pain was better to concentrate on, better than all the shit stirring up inside.  I take juddering breath and focus on inhaling through my nose and out through my mouth, wiping angrily at my hot, damp face.

“Rose please let me in.”

Stupid fucking fuckety fucker.

I keep rubbing my foot. The pain begins to recede to a dull throb and I draw my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.  I let out a great exhale, my lungs finally regulating my air supply…I was still shaking.

 I listening for him, for any movement at all and after a couple of seconds I get this cold sinking sensation. What if he left?

There’s a muffled brushing sound against the door, it starts away above my head and then stops right behind me. Dimitri’s mirroring my seating arrangements.

“I’ve really messed this up haven’t I.” he says in a way that doesn’t need clarification.

“Just go away Dimitri.” My chest tightens and I take another gulp of air, the ceiling blurs.

“No. No I’m not running away this time.”

“I hate you.” I whisper.

“You have every reason to.” He says, voice dragging across gravel. “And I wouldn’t blame you for not believing a word I say but it is true.”

“Ha, which part?”

I count three inhales before he speaks.

“The truest part is I love you. That I will always love you.”

I shake my head. “And the rest? The rest is just what, bullshit?”

“No…the rest isn’t bullshit.”

I run my hands over my hair. “I don’t understand, I really don’t understand. How could you – It’s so stupid and it doesn’t make any sense and Tasha and … I should have hit your harder!”

“If it helps I’m currently seeing two of things.”

No, it didn’t. I should have definitely knocked him out. There were so many questions, so much traffic in my head and I was glad there was a barrier between us and that he could no longer see me.  I was a complete wreck and I didn’t suit being a wreck.  No one could break me down like this, no one else could make me so vulnerable and even after months of silence between us what I felt hadn’t deteriorated. It had just been dormant and now had erupted in the worst way possible.  And he said he felt the same but we still weren’t together and it wasn’t because of our age, our jobs, our positions… it was because… well I didn’t really understand why not but I knew it was his choice. It was because he didn’t want it.

I stare at the dark stone beneath my legs and rest my chin on my knees. The under floor heating should be coming on soon.

The last time I’d been so conflicted with my emotions I’d been with Lissa and that had been over Dimitri. God, my dignity really was taking a battering. Never would I have thought I’d be the type of girl that got all angst tied and bent out of shape by a boy. Well not a boy, a man, a man who had the reasoning of a chimp at the moment. A man who had made me feel like an equal, a professional, powerful and loved. Key word being ‘had’.

Lissa had come to me and said very delicately that Dimitri was going to be her other guardian… and I had gone ballistic. She’s never seen me lose it like that before. She’s never seen me under the influence of spirit and how unstable that made me but I think this was worse because it was all me. It was me begging her not to accept his guardianship. I’d been fine when I saw him around Court with his escorts,  bottled the irritation when Lissa, Tasha and Christian trooped off to meet him but when Lissa told me I’d have to work that close to him … I just snapped.  Lissa had never looked at me with so much pity before, it was weird, for both of us and the next day it was like it had never happened.

She declined his offer to which the backlash didn’t resonate from Dimitri, it came from the community. Here was the Moroi that had so adamantly defended a restored Dhampir declining his guardianship. It seemed to contradict everything Lissa had ever spoken for in his defence. And my brilliant friend wouldn’t tell them why. She dodged their questions (most of them from Tasha) and found a way around it and so he became Christian’s guardian.

 Dimitri hadn’t said a word about it until tonight, it had been easy to ignore but what had happened tonight would be impossible to avoid… what kind of mess had we made?

An electronic jingle breaks through the dismal silence. When it ends he speaks.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“How about starting from where your bullshit story isn’t bullshit?” I cringe at how shaky my voice is.

“When I realised I loved you it was too late.” He begins quietly. “You were with Adrian and you looked happy, he made you laugh. I didn’t have right to impose with what I felt.”

Goddamn idiot.

“You think I got over you that easily?” The question lashes out before I can stop it. “That I could?”

He hesitates. “You’re young Rose.”

“Don’t you dare use my age against me.”

“I’m not! This is all… past tense and wishful thinking.”

“I thought you knew me better…” I wipe my cheeks. It was true; he used to surprise me by telling me things about myself before I’d figured them out.

I hear him take a deep breath on the other side of the door.  “I do know you Roza. I know you stopped smiling when people turned away and sometimes… after he’d kissed you or looked away you’d get this distant look on your face. I just wanted to believe you felt the way you were pretending to be.”

“Maybe it’s me who doesn’t know you then.”

“And that’s where my story isn’t bullshit. I’m not the same person anymore.”

I test my foot and flinch. I stretch out my left leg and lay the inner part of my foot against the cold tiles trying to soothe it. “How aren’t you the same? Beside the fact you have idealistic and shitty ideas about romance.”

His voice is quiet and controlled compared to mine. “I wouldn’t have gone through with it you know. With Tash. Not when it came down to it…”

A part of me wants to disagree, to say no I didn’t know that, and draw out how wrong he was but I was done arguing for the sake of it. I swallow and work on making myself audible.  “Even though she can give you a family? Wouldn’t you want to try?”

“No. I couldn’t start a family for the reasons you’ve pointed out… it would be forced. She deserves better than to know I’d started a life with her because it seemed right on paper.”

“And you don’t believe…there could be someone else?”

“There will never be anyone else.”

“Now… this is the part I don’t understand. At all…why don’t you want to be with me?”

“I’m not good for you Rose.”  There’s a catch in his voice and it makes me turn to the door, as if I’d be able to see him.

I swallow. “Not that you’re in a position to even think I’d take you back right away because you know that would make me punch you again but shouldn’t I get a say in what’s good for me?”

I hear him chuckle and I look at the glossy wood like it’s spurted out a branch. “Sometimes Roza, you don’t know what’s good for you.”

“And what you do?” I snap.

He sighs. “I thought I did.”

“So tell me why you don’t want to be with me then. That’s what it comes down to.”

“It’s not that I don’t-“

“So explain to me then!”  In the small, shiny, pristine space my voice sounds strikingly shrill. It makes me feel cripplingly alone.

After long few seconds he speaks and his voice matches how I feel. Hurt and isolated.  “I don’t sleep anymore. I can’t. I dream of one or two things and on the worst nights I dream of both. What scares me is they aren’t dreams, they’re memories. I dream of being back at that place with you… feeding on you, abusing you and having you dress up so beautifully that I become violently jealous of myself for having you. But it’s you I take it out on. It used to make me physically ill when I woke.”

“Dimitri-”

“And the other dream always starts the same. I’m watching a playground from a thicket of trees at dusk.  The shadows are creeping closer to the swing set where a little girl is sitting. She must have been no more than six years old and she was so blonde…she reminded me of Lissa. I don’t know why she was alone at that time of day but I suppose it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t have changed anything. I killed her Rose. I killed her when I could have gone anywhere else, to the city and killed some thief or rapist but I wanted her. I wanted her because she was innocent. I wanted her because I felt above everyone else and I had right to her. I wanted her because she did remind me of Lissa and having royal blood was an empty claim to achieve class and control. I had claim to blood because I had real power.” He takes a deep breath. “Other faces sometimes appear blurred in with it all but those two are the most prominent. The most terrifying but they serve to remind me…I am tainted Rose. There is something dark stained on my soul.”

I never expected that.  Hearing him talk about that time in Russia leaves me cold.  It had all the makings of our worst nightmares, to be a strigoi and to be a strigoi’s play thing but it had been real.  It had been so terribly real. I dreamed of it sometimes too but most of the time Adrian would interrupt the nightmare and by the morning I would have nearly forgotten. Nearly.

What he said about Lissa and the little girl unnerved me.

I lick my lips and I scramble around my brain to phrase this right. “Dimitri…you forget you were a victim too. This happened to _you_ as well as everyone else.And what you can’t seem to grasp is that it was out of your control… you didn’t choose to hurt people because you were not you… you lost your soul. Your nature was different, you were different.”

“And I’m not who I was before it. I’m not the man you fell for. Compared to now I was innocent.”

He sounds so raw, like he’s actually bereaved. He really believes he’s lost the good in him. I can’t believe that. I don’t. I scrape my hair back and clutch it. “But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it means a bad thing happened to you and it made you do terrible things…” The silence that stretched out and coated the door between us had desperation clawing up my back.  I turn to the door, lining it up with my side and rest my head against it. I wince as the movement sends a sharp pain through my foot.  “How can you not see that Dimitri? Why can’t you accept it?”

“Because it seems too easy and it’s not right! That little girl… that little girl has no future anymore. She’s still presumed missing and her parents will never know what happened, they will never have closure. And all I can think about is what if she were my child…I could never forgive the monster that took her even if the monster one day woke up and would do anything to take it back.”

I’m sitting up on my knees now, both hands flat against the wood. He was suffering so much more than I ever thought, more than he’d let anyone know. So much guilt radiated off him I could choke on it. When people have been cut so deep that the wound starts to fester and the only remedy is love. To feel that you are loved and valued, and he felt neither.  The worst kinds of wounds are the one’s that we don’t allow to heal because we infect them ourselves with our own doubts, guilt and self- punishment. He said Tasha had fought her way in but she hadn’t otherwise he wouldn’t be like this. He hadn’t let anyone in.

A tear tickles my chin and I wipe it away angrily. “Listen, listen to me. I’m one of those dreams and I’m here in reality and in reality I have forgiven you! No that doesn’t sound right to me and you know why? Because it wasn’t you, you weren’t my Dimitri then no matter how badly I wanted you to be and most of the time I wanted you to what you did because I was living that fantasy. I can’t stress enough how I see you then and you now as two different entities. If I didn’t… how could I stand to be near you? How could I even still love you? And I do, I really do and you know why? Because your soul is not tainted and I know that because you’re feeling this way, you feel so much remorse that it’s crushing you but that’s what makes you human, that’s humanity and your salvation. Please see that.”

I expect for him to agree or argue with me but I’m only met by silence. It begins ringing in my ears.

“Dimitri _please_.”

The electronic jingle cuts through the silence like an unwanted house guest.  His voice carries through the door rough and thick. “I should…I have to take this.” 

I don’t hear him get up but I do hear his heavy footsteps retreat down the hall. I close my eyes and my fingers curl into a fist against the wooden panel. I was losing him. He was losing himself. I was breathing rapidly as I tried to sort through the emotional swamp in my head. He had hurt me. He had hurt me by ignoring me and abandoning me, making it seem so easy to leave me behind like I had no impact on his life. But he was hurting. He was hurting so much he kept everyone at arm’s length, in my case as much space as possible, because he thought there was something dark in him.

I had something dark in me. I felt the edges of spirit every day and fought to keep a wall between it and myself. But I didn’t abandon Lissa… I didn’t think it meant there was something twisted and evil about me. I didn’t think it meant I couldn’t be loved.  My darkness was a real thing, his he generated himself. Sort of… It could be treated if he were willing.

 How do I fix this? How do I make him let me in?

The similarities between me and Dimitri were we are people of action. We believed in doing and not sitting around and thinking about it. I didn’t like to be coddled and neither would he… it would push us in the opposite direction of the person trying to get through to us. It was time for some tough love… also known as my last hope.

I grab the door handle and pull myself up, cautiously testing my foot. It was tender (it smarted like a bitch) but I could walk on it.  My hand hesitates on the bolt and I take a steadying breath.

_Does he even deserve this? Look at yourself Rose._

 Right now I was a mess, I was hurt, I was still angry, I’d cried, I’d screamed, I’d thrown a punch, I’d battered my dignity and I’d sacrificed my pride, and all I’d gotten was a few answers and clarified lies… that had made me angrier. But I needed to focus on the bigger picture instead of the medium sized pit-of-hell-picture.  If there was the smallest chance we could be together I had to try...or I’d never forgive myself. The anger and hurt would recede into me and start to rot but if I tried and it didn’t work out, well, at least I tried. And that makes all the difference.  

I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders. I catch movement in my periphery, my reflection.  The mirror stretched above the marble counter top showed me in all my bedraggled state.  My cheeks were flushed, my eyes were wide and my dark hair was tousled. 

_It doesn’t matter._

I slide open the bolt and turn the handle slowly. The hallway was empty and I couldn’t hear anything from the kitchen.  Quietly I half hobble/ limp back through the house.  When I’m just shy of the living room I pause, not able to hear anything I panic that maybe he left. My heart seizes when I hear his voice hushed in a murmur.

“I’m sorry Tash. I should never – no it isn’t that.  Of course…”

My heart is in my throat and it’s only when I’m staring at the back of his head I realise I’ve moved into the room.  He’s sitting on one of the arm rests, looking as if the weight of the world weighed on his shoulders.  I dare to hope that he’s told her his decision and its no.  I have a complete lapse of conscience and forget my second instincts. My foot brushes across the wooden floor. His head cocks to the left, it was a small noise but he heard. He turns at the waist to look at me and then stands up.

“I have to go...I’m not sure, soon.”  He says into the phone, his wary eyes trained on me. “Thank you… for everything. Bye Tash.”

The hand holding the phone drops to his side.  “I um,  told her my decision.”

“I thought as much. Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…”

“It’s okay.”

I fold my arms.  “So you’ve seen the light then?”

He forces a small smile to humour me, a push of the lips that drop after they’ve risen. 

_Get straight to it Rose._

“You didn’t answer me.” I say in rush. “Before, you didn’t say if you believed me or not.”

His gaze drops. “I want to Rose. I really do…”

“Do you trust me?” I ask suddenly, unable to stand the forlorn look on his any longer. It didn’t belong there.

His eyes snap back to mine. “How do you mean?”

“Do you trust me? Do you trust my judgement?”

He hesitates for a second. “Yes.”

My chest heaves. “You’re not tainted. There isn’t something dark in you. You are good.  Your remorse proves it. You’ve made some dumb decisions but for… the right reasons.  You just haven’t healed from what’s happened. You haven’t let anyone in…until now and I’m not letting you push me back out.”

“I appreciate that, I do. Maybe your right but-”

“There are no ‘buts’!” I cry and throw up my hands. “You trust me or you don’t. You say you do and I’m not saying you can instantly move past this I’m saying you need to start to. You need to start accepting it’s in the past and it was a different person.”

He looks like he’s battling to accept what I’ve said and to cling on to the guilt.

“Or maybe you’re not strong enough to do that. Maybe you’re too cowardly.”

The look he gives me could cut through steel. Good, that’s what we need.

“Well? Are you a coward?”

“I know what you’re doing.” He says tightly.

Jesus couldn’t he just let himself be manipulated. “If you are then you were right. You’re not the man I fell in love with, he was not a coward and he did not stand to play the victim.”

Fire blazes in his eyes. “I am not a coward.”

“So fight for what you want!”

His jaw tightens and he looks at me like a thief would look at a blood diamond.

“Fine! Say you were. Say you were this terrible monster. I’ll buy into that or a minute… what I If still wanted you? What would you say to me then?”

“I’d have everything.” He responds instantly.  

“Take the monster part of the equation because it isn’t true, it simply isn’t.” I take a small step toward him, “Or is it easier to walk out. Would you prefer to see me with an Anton or an Adrian? Just easier to throw it away than fight for it?” 

 “I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else.”  His voice is as soft as velvet but some emotion is scratching underneath trying to break free.  

I take a deep breath. “If you want me you walk over here ready to let go of the guilt… and you can have me because I love you. And no, you don’t deserve me after how you’ve treated me. You don’t deserve this chance so you can be damn sure this is your last one because I am not prepared to hurt over you a day longer.”

And there it was, my last hope laid up on the alter. It would either be worshipped or crucified.  My heartbeat was in my ears. His eyes were calculating, some conflict was going on behind them and in a blink of an eye he’s walking towards me looking worried the ground was going to crumble underneath his feet. 

The beating in my ears ceases as he raises his hand to my face, fingertips brushing my cheekbone. He’s looking at me as I’m the most precious thing in this world. “If this is my choice then I choose you. I choose to fight for and with you every day, to love you always.  And if by some great accident Rose Hathaway is wrong and there was a different way in which I should have atoned for everything I’ve done then I’ll serve my sentence in the next life.”

All I can focus on is his touch  as I stare up at him. “Well, encase you didn’t know Abe’s a part time lawyer so I’m sure we’ll get you off.”

He laughs and the great weight I’d been carrying evaporates. Then his lips press are against mine and I’m stunned.  My mind is wiped blank and I have no use of my limbs. He sighs against my mouth. I’m perfectly still and he pulls backs slightly.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have just-”

All sensation rushes through me and electricity lights up my veins.  My hands slide up his chest into his hair pulling him down to me and cutting off his lame apology. His kiss was chaste and mine was greedy. Although I don’t think he minds as his arms wrap around me and pull me against his body. It’s like breaking the surface after being under water. It’s like coming into a warm room from the cold. It’s like eating dessert for breakfast and a million other glorious things that don’t quite describe it properly.

 It’s like coming home. 

His hands are clutching the fabric at my back and he’s so damn tall that holding him and trying to kiss him requires effort. As if reading my mind his hands slide lower and he stoops, running his hands over my butt and the tops of my thighs before lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, pressing against him where I can, closing any gaps.

I gasp when my back hits the wall and he takes the opportunity to explore my neck and my eyes flutter shut. It was no secret that my throat was an extremely sensitive spot and when his tongue presses against my skin I moan. He kisses the hollow of my throat and dips lower to plant one between the curves of my breasts before reaching for my mouth again. It was gluttonous kissing, fierce and consuming.  My fingers are laced in his hair and I take his bottom lip between my teeth.  He makes a noise low in his throat, it was somewhere between a groan and a growl. Hot tingles rush all over my skin. I release it and then slowly run my tongue between his parted lips. His hands grip me tighter as he deepens the kiss.

 I was mess of hyper nerve endings and need.  

His hands slide down to my hips and I feel his touch on my bare skin. My dress was disintegrating.  He rolls his hips against me and I break away needing to breathe.

“Dimitri.”

He pauses in his trail down the side of my throat that he hasn’t explored yet.   His breathing is ragged. “Too much?”

“Actually I was just going to suggest going upstairs.”

He lifts his head to lean it against mine. “Are you sure?”

I tighten my legs round him and kiss his jaw. “Yes.”

He begins to move and I continue my journey along his jawline, my hands untangling from his hair to yank at his shirt.

                                                                                *

I stir from a lazy doze and when I feel a strong arm around my waist I pry my eyes open.  My duvets barely covering me and I turn my head slightly to see Dimitri sleeping soundly.  The duvets not doing much to cover him either. I'm more of a blanket.  I shift carefully so I don’t wake him and stroke a tendril back from his face, letting my hand drift down to his chest. I couldn't help but check him out… it had been a while and the only thing stopping me from waking him up was how peaceful he looked.

Yeah we were nowhere near being perfect but I didn't regret sleeping with him. I needed him and he needed me. We had the rest of our lives to work out the rest and completely untangle the mess we’d gotten ourselves into.

An unpleasant thought niggles in my mind… Adrian. So much talk about him deserving better and I’ve gone and done this… somehow I think he’ll see this as worse than Anton. But I’d deal with it. I’d go and find him in the morning. Well… our morning, I’m pretty sure it was nearing dawn if it wasn’t already.

I draw my fingertips back toward me until they rest over his heart and I feel the slow beat under his skin.  This is what I needed. This was necessity. I felt as peaceful as he looked in his undisturbed sleep.

We were bent not broken. We still had a way to go to getting completely right but we were on the road back to us. With his heartbeat under my fingertips I close my eyes and smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end, well, of this story anyway. Romitri are still out there kicking ass and taking breaks from it to love each other. I really hope you guys are satisfied with the ending and if not I’m sorry. I was going to write a scene with more explicit smut but sometimes that can ruin a story and I didn’t want to risk it… I’ll happily write an epilogue smutty scene if it’s wanted.
> 
>  
> 
> If any ones interest I have an idea for my next Romitri project which would be much longer, around thirty chapters. I’m thinking modern day slavery of dhampirs who were not as lucky to attend an academy or know their basic human/vampire rights. Rose would be a slave and Dimitri a guardian… I’ll leave it there. What do you think?   
> PS. Msg me with any questions you have and thank you again for being wonderful people. xo


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